The Best Laid Plans
by kasey8473
Summary: AU: Castiel learns that even his most carefully executed plans aren't always adequate to stop the pain of life - human and angelic.  Sequel to 'The Dilemma of Human Investment'. Complete
1. Chapter 1

Title: The Best Laid Plans  
Summary: Castiel learns that even his most carefully executed plans aren't always adequate to stop the pain of life - human and angelic. Sequel to 'The Dilemma of Human Investment'. Not slash.  
Rating: M  
Disclaimer: 'Supernatural' was created by Eric Kripke. No disrespect is intended.

* * *

Out of all of the emotions the male vessel dampened, jealousy regrettably wasn't one of them, a thing Castiel discovered the hard way. It made interacting with Dean all the more difficult. At first, Castiel had been semi-fine with Risa and Dean, knowing it was for the best. He couldn't remain in Risa's body and have that life with Dean. He knew it and had resigned himself to enduring watching Dean and Risa together.

He'd gritted his teeth when Dean kissed her and tried his best not to remember how it had felt to be kissed by Dean. And he'd pretended he didn't recall how it had felt to be touched by him in that body. Castiel had forced himself to attempt to forget all of it…with little success. The memories wouldn't slide away into oblivion like he'd hoped they would and with each passing day, Castiel felt less than whole.

Did Dean have to touch her like that? Kiss her like that in full view of everyone? Keep his arm around her? Did he have to treat her like the girlfriend she was?

When those thoughts ran down, he thought about her: her underwear preferences and those many racy things he knew about her, his thoughts sliding into cattiness, driven by jealousy that just kept growing. He tried everything he could think of to negate it, but short of never coming around at all, he couldn't. The jealous feelings remained, because Castiel couldn't leave. Not anymore. He had to be near Dean. Their bond was far more than what it had started out now and there was no way Cas could leave forever. Dean was a part of him and had been since that first night Cas had spent with him.

Watching Dean with Risa was becoming tedious and he couldn't help the rather unkind thoughts and more that flew through his mind whenever he was there with them.

Those memories Cas had of being with Dean remained strong and clear. He'd watch Dean with her, remember that that was how Dean had been with him when he was in Risa's body, and dwell on it. Castiel wanted that again. He wanted more than 'hey, buddy' from Dean. He wanted those moments he'd had in Risa back.

Castiel wanted to be the one in her place and for the ache of incompleteness inside him to disappear.

* * *

_I can't watch them kiss one more time. Does he have to do that hip grab with her out in public? Keep it in the room._

Risa Hope gave Dean a last kiss and turned to watch the man Dean and Sam called Castiel. He was leaning against the wall with his arms crossed and an unfriendly frown upon his face. He looked annoyed, upset, and sulky. For awhile she'd thought he was simply jealous, but as time had gone by, she'd realized there was a lot more to it than that. He and Dean had a deep history, even if it wasn't a long one, and their feelings for each other were intense.

She'd learned a lot from hearing snippets of his thoughts whenever they were in the same room together, many of those snippets things that had shocked her. Castiel hadn't only thought about her, he'd thought about angels, demons and much more. Some of the things Dean had told her about and others…. Others she hoped weren't true, yet knew enough about what Sam and Dean did to understand that they most likely were. Risa put it all in context from what she'd learned verbally from Dean and thought she had an understanding of some matters.

Sam and Dean Winchester were hunters of the supernatural variety of game. It was their job. Dean had let her into some of the world he lived in and had continued to let her in further in slow degrees, the result of that being that she knew more than Castiel thought - about all of it. Angels, demons, ghosts, vampires, werewolves and more. There was always more to learn, so much so that a person could study their whole life and never discover all of it.

"Hey, Cas," Dean called, slamming the trunk closed. "You mind staying with Risa until we get back?"

The 'get to know her better' part was implied in the statement. It was important to Dean that Risa and Castiel get along and she'd tried her best to make that happen while Castiel had remained stand-offish and cool. The more she tried to befriend him, the harder he'd resisted, and the more she'd learned from his thoughts, an unwilling listener to his true feelings on many things.

_Does she look like she needs me to babysit her? Or I need to be a babysitter? _"Of course not."

"Great! Shouldn't be long and we'll bring back burgers in a couple hours. One for you, too."

_And once more he ignores the fact that I don't require sustenance. Amazing. I'd think Dean would remember that by now._

As she walked over to where he stood, she decided it was time to make him talk to her. Surely he knew she could hear him? If he wasn't aware of it, she thought he was going to be mighty embarrassed over some of the things he'd been thinking for the past few months. Risa stopped directly in front of him, waiting to speak until the Impala was gone. "Castiel."

"What?" His attention was on the direction the Impala had driven off in.

"Could you stop thinking so loud? Your bellyaching is giving me a headache."

He froze, gaze sliding to her. His eyes narrowed a fraction. "Repeat that."

"You heard me." Grasping his arms, she rose up onto her tiptoes like she was going to kiss him and said, "I can hear you, moron. One more internal crack about my underwear or anything like it and you get a kick to the groin, okay?" She lowered back down and slid a speculative gaze along him. "Unless that won't hurt you?"

"Why wouldn't that hurt me?"

Risa shrugged and turned away, opening the motel room door. "Well, you being an _angel_ and all, I'm not sure it would hurt you." She stepped inside and slammed the door, only to find him directly in front of her in the room now. Risa gasped at how he was suddenly just _there_, close to her, and stumbled back against the door. He was almost too close even, his expression displaying more emotion than she'd ever seen from him.

Curiosity, anger. Both blazed, lighting his vibrant blue eyes with an inner fire.

She swallowed hard. He wasn't just curious and angry, he was seriously pissed.

"You know. How? How are you hearing me? Explain now."

Fear rose up inside her. Angels were fearsome things and in her exasperation she'd been flippant to him. Sam and Dean may be that way to him, but she was a different story. She didn't think Castiel would allow her to be that way, not if he could stop her. "I don't know how I hear, I just do. And you're not exactly easy to ignore with the running commentary on everything from Dean kissing me and my underwear choices to Sam's taste in music and the state of current events. You never shut up, Castiel." Well, in his head he never shut up. Though to be fair, her thoughts weren't always the most complimentary either.

"Why haven't you said anything before now?"

"A good researcher studies before drawing conclusions. I know how to do research. I've listened, researched, drawn conclusions and my conclusion is that you're an angel."

"What else do you know?"

"I know about you and Dean. I know that somehow you were in me, used my body to be with him, but…why don't I remember it?" Her hands were shaking and her legs felt weak, as though they could collapse any second and send her sliding to the floor. Still, she persisted, uncertain why she did when this glimpse of him frightened her.

"You wish enlightenment, Risa?"

"Yes. That and peace with you for Dean's sake. I've tried to be nice and you're impossible. You've been such a…a…a _dick_ to me it's frankly been pissing me off."

A snort of laughter issued from him. "A dick."

"That's funny somehow?"

"You have no idea."

"Explain it to me."

He shook his head. "I'm not required to explain anything to you." He stepped closer, body brushing hers, that stare seeming to sear through her.

Risa tensed, standing as still as possible, wondering what he was going to do, but the only thing he did was frown and step back from her, moving to the opposite side of the room and snagging a beer from the cooler in the corner. He opened it and leaned against the dresser, drinking it as he watched her. It was a strangely human thing to do right then, but she supposed he'd been around Dean and Sam enough to behave the way they did on occasion.

"You're a smart woman, Risa. Putting all of that together."

She remained by the door, ready to open it and flee if she had to, though she knew it'd do no good since he could apparently move in a blink.

When he was done with the beer, he set the bottle on the dresser and crossed his arms. "What are you planning on doing with the knowledge of my angelic nature?"

"Honestly? Nothing. What _could_ I do?" She slid her palms along the door behind her. "From your thoughts, it's clear that both Sam and Dean know, along with Bobby Singer. Who would I tell? Them? They already know. I have no plan of action, I just…I wanted things clear between us. I wanted you to know I could hear you; that I know things from your own thoughts."

"Like what? What do you know, Risa? Give me some specific things you've become aware of in the time you've been hearing my thoughts."

"You're an angel. There's an angel war going on that you're a part of, yet you're still able to find a refuge with Sam and Dean. You come to see them because Sam is a friend and Dean is much more than that to you. Those things that happened a couple years ago really were the Apocalypse in progress and Sam and Dean were instrumental in stopping it."

He tilted his head back a fraction. She had the impression he already knew the answers to the questions he was asking.

"I know all the bad things that go bump in the night and sometimes in the day are real. Dean and Sam fight them so that the world is a bit safer for everyone else. I could go on for awhile with what you thought about these past months." She relaxed a little. "Like I said, you never shut up."

He sighed. "You say you know about me and Dean?"

"Yes. Your feelings. His feelings from what he said to you. You had a romantic relationship with him, for some reason it ended, and now I have the relationship you had."

He pushed off the dresser to stand upright again. "Then you know why there can't be peace between us, Risa."

She had what he longed to return to. He wanted back what was gone. "Castiel -"

He stepped back across the room towards her. "Tell Dean I had to go. He or Sam can call me. I'll be on earth." Castiel disappeared in a blink and Risa sagged against the door.

While she didn't regret calling him out on the thoughts matter, she regretted that there couldn't be a peace between them. There never would as long as she was there in the very place Castiel wanted to be. Risa would have liked to have developed a friendship with him, as he was important to Dean, but it wasn't looking like they were going to have anything at all.

When Dean and Sam returned, she gave him Castiel's message and watched the disappointment in Dean's eyes. Over the next couple days, she paid very close attention to Dean whenever Castiel was mentioned in conversation and came to the conclusion that there was so much more to them than met the eye. Deep down, Dean loved Castiel. Closer inspection displayed it all open to her in Dean's eyes. It was evident and she wasn't sure why she hadn't seen it before. Perhaps it had taken seeing that very love in Castiel's eyes to realize it and Risa returned home with both a greater sense of what must have happened and the sadness of knowing the man she loved didn't love her the way she wanted.

* * *

The call Castiel received a week later didn't come from either Sam or Dean. It came from Risa, which surprised him, for he hadn't even known Risa had his cell number. Perhaps Dean or Sam had given it to her.

He materialized in Risa's living room, not bothering to tell her he was coming. He simply appeared in front of her. She was curled on her couch, a box of tissues beside her, a wastebasket of used tissues on the floor and an empty tissue box on the coffee table. Her face was splotchy from tears, her eyes swollen, and breath hitching. She was devastated by something.

All combativeness disappeared and he crouched down in front of her. "Risa?"

She stared at him, then looked away. "We need to talk, Castiel."

"What about?"

"About how things were, how they are, and how they could be."

"I don't understand."

"I'll explain." She laughed and immediately started sobbing. When she'd pulled herself together again, she wiped her eyes with a tissue. "Look, I know you were somehow me for awhile and that during that period you had a relationship with Dean. We covered that already. That's how things were. I don't understand all of it or why I don't remember, but it feels true to me. I know you still have feelings for Dean, that being male now didn't stop that, and your feelings aren't light. You love him. You love Dean as a brother, a friend, and you still love him with that romantic love, though it's tempered somewhat by the male body. That's a lot of love." She licked her lips, dabbed her nose with a tissue. "I know you're jealous of me. You think a lot on how things were. This is how it is now. I do understand several things, Castiel. I understand loving Dean, because I love him too, and I think there _could_ be peace between you and I - united in our love for him."

"How," he asked, wondering just what she was heading towards.

"First, I need to explain why I'm sitting here in the dark crying like my world has ended." She shifted on the cushion. "It's because it has. I want you to listen very carefully to what I have to say, think hard, and help me decide what to do here, because I can't make this decision on my own."

He listened with growing pain, sorrow, and regret at what she had to say.

* * *

Over time, Dean had almost grown used to waking up to find someone standing over him. This time, that someone was, oddly enough, Risa. He wondered when she'd gotten there, how she'd known what room they were in because he hadn't called her yet, and why she was just standing there with her back partially to him and arms crossed. Why hadn't she woken either of them up? It was damned peculiar, like something Cas did.

He sat up and cleared his throat. Her back straightened even more. He waited for her to say something. She didn't, standing silent and still.

"Risa?" She turned and Dean's mind exploded in memories. It was a thing he'd experienced once at Zachariah's hands. He drew in a harsh breath that made him cough. "Cas."

Castiel was there, in Risa's body. She stared at him, studying him a long moment before flicking her gaze to Sam's bed. "I've been waiting for you both to wake." She took a step towards him, then back from him. "How do you feel?"

Memories swirled in his mind. Cas crying silently on a park bench and looking frightened, then later, the tears gone and wonder in her eyes. There was the entire learning curve she'd gone through - _they'd_ gone through - and then it had been gone and Risa replaced Castiel by Cas's own actions.

"How do you think I feel," he gasped out. "I just learned that a chunk of what I thought I had with her was actually with you in her body."

She bent her head. "You remember why I had to change your memories."

It wasn't a question and Dean had all of that swirling through his mind as though it had just happened yesterday. He knew the reason and understood it. Still, it didn't keep him from feeling hurt by it. "Why are you back in her," he asked, piling the pillows behind his back and leaning against them. "You chose to go back to Jimmy, Cas, and stay there. You left her and us behind."

"If you don't mind, Sam should be awake to hear this as well. It'll affect him too. A delicate situation has developed for Risa."

"Delicate situation? What's that supposed to mean?"

"Exactly what it sounds like. Delicate. Needing great care."

What sort of situation needed great care?

Sam stirred and woke, his reaction not what Dean had thought it would be. He was wary at first, then censorious in tone. "Cas? What are you doing here like that? Tell me you didn't choose -"

She held up her hand. "There's a matter we need to discuss, Sam. I haven't chosen earth."

"Then what's going on?"

Castiel sat on the end of Dean's bed, body facing Sam. "When I left, I tried to fix things in a way that would leave Dean happy. I thought that Risa would help to make him happy." She glanced at Dean. "I was right to an extent, except I didn't know she'd develop a fast-moving cancer that I can't heal from the outside. I was arrogant, assuming a responsibility I shouldn't have taken. Risa is dying. At the rate it's spreading inside her, her doctor's estimate of three months is…extremely generous. She has, at best, a single month remaining."

Dean felt like he'd been punched in the gut. He'd lost Cas and now he was going to lose Risa too? He squeezed his hands into fists, a wave of helplessness crashing over him. Not both of them. He couldn't lose them both!

"How long has she known?" Sam tossed back the covers and swung his legs over the side of the bed.

"About fifteen hours."

"How did you know?"

Leaning his head back, Dean tried to understand what Castiel was telling them. Risa dying? Sick with cancer? He couldn't seem to process the news, going back again and again to how alive she'd seemed. Risa simply hadn't looked sick to him. Nor had she acted like she was sick.

"She called me."

"Why did she call you," Dean asked, gaze moving to her, voice harsh. "You've kept as far away from her as you can without actually ignoring her when you're with us. Don't think we hadn't noticed."

"We thought you were jealous," Sam explained with a yawn.

"I know what you both thought and while there is truth to it, I had to keep a distance. Jimmy's body does dampen feelings, but not completely. I still felt everything from regret and sadness to jealousy and anger and so forth, simply not the way I do in Risa. I needed emotional distance from her," she turned on the bed, now facing Dean, "and from you, Dean. Risa called me because I had forgotten one thing."

"And that is?"

"The mostly open connection between angel and vessel."

Dean thought back, remembering what Cas had told him when they'd gone to see Raphael's vessel. "You were in your vessel already. Jimmy is your vessel."

She looked embarrassed, cheeks flushing. "Yes, but," her brows rose, "I'd also taken Risa as a vessel. Changing her memories didn't change that fact, nor did it close that connection. I neglected to make certain the connection between us was severed. She…." Castiel sighed and looked down at where her hand rested on the bed, smoothing the covers as she went on. "She could hear many of my thoughts when we were in the same room together."

He exchanged a glance with Sam. That certainly explained some of Risa's facial expressions over the past months when she and Cas had been in the same room.

"I didn't realize it until she confronted me about it last week and even then I was so upset by it that I forgot to close it then as well. I erred."

"She went a year hearing you and not saying anything?"

Castiel returned her gaze back to him. "Seven months," she corrected. "Five of the year were what you and I spent together."

"Okay seven months." He adjusted the covers in his lap. "Why didn't she say anything?" He couldn't imagine Risa staying silent on anything.

"She wanted to be certain her conclusions were correct. I didn't think to guard my thoughts around her. There were times I wasn't exactly complimentary towards her and other times when I thought on things that had occurred."

"Does that mean Jimmy could hear you when you were in her?" Sam put a hand on the edge of the bed and leaned on it.

"Provided I wasn't guarding my thoughts or in a state of extreme emotional distress, yes."

"Where's Jimmy now?"

"Back at Risa's house waiting for my return." She returned her gaze to the ceiling. "Dean, I can't heal her -"

"Can't or won't?"

"_Can't_. I tried. I can't heal her from the outside or the inside. It won't take. The only thing that keeps the cancer from advancing in her body is my presence. Like with the reproductive system, it freezes in that case, unfreezing when I leave her. We did try. She thinks she'd be dead already if I hadn't taken those days…months…in her. I don't understand why I can't heal her. I've healed you, brought life back to Bobby…. Why can't I heal her? It makes no sense. It should work and it doesn't." Getting up, she stepped to the dresser and back, pacing in slow strides. "She knows about angels, vessels, and…us, Dean. She put much of it together on her own from my thoughts and knows that for five months, I _was_ her much of the time, two or three days every four or five days. She knows."

"And?" Dean took a quick glance at Sam. He was quiet, observing, taking it all in.

Cas paused in her pacing. "This is the reason I'm here now, in her. She wants to offer me her body as a permanent vessel. One, so Jimmy can return to his family and two…." She licked her lips, and took a deep breath. "So you will have one of us remaining with you in an…intimate capacity." She blinked several times. "She asked to see what our relationship had been like and I obliged her. I shared my memories with her."

His emotions were mixed: grief at knowing Risa was going to be gone soon, hope at the possibility of having Castiel back, and anger at the entire situation. A lot of anger, some of it directed at Castiel. She'd changed his memories, taken away something that had been precious to him and he wasn't ready to forgive her for it. "Who says I still want you? Maybe it's _her_ I want." He didn't mean it, but he didn't try to stop the words from leaving his lips.

He saw Castiel flinch and Sam grab her wrist in a tight grip before they both disappeared.


	2. Chapter 2

Title: The Best Laid Plans  
Chapter: 2  
Summary: Castiel learns that even his most carefully executed plans aren't always adequate to stop the pain of life. Sequel to 'The Dilemma of Human Investment'.  
Rating: M  
Disclaimer: 'Supernatural' was created by Eric Kripke. No disrespect is intended.

* * *

Jimmy was pondering what Risa's offer meant to him personally when Castiel and Sam appeared, Sam holding on to her wrist with a grip that looked painful.

"Release me, Sam."

"It's the emotions talking, Cas, you know that."

"Release me!" She tugged at her wrist, nearly succeeding in both pulling it from his grip and dragging him forward.

"No. He's hurting and he lashed out."

"Dean no longer wants me." Her eyes were wide open, almost panicked.

"Bullshit. He says your name in his sleep, which I thought was a little odd until today."

"I'll go back to Jimmy."

"Haul ass to the other end of the house, Jimmy," Sam ordered in a harsh bark. "Now!"

He stayed in the room, though as a concession to make Sam feel better, he moved out of Castiel's direct reach. Cas could still pop beside him no matter where he was anyway, so it didn't matter if he left or not.

"I'll leave Risa, take her back to him, and he can hold her hand as she dies."

"Stop it!"

"She's the one he wants, Sam, not me."

"The hell she is."

"He loves _her_ now -"

Sam grasped her arms and shook her hard. "Get a grip, Cas!"

She shoved him and Sam stumbled back, nearly tripping over the footstool before regaining his balance. Castiel glared at him. "Don't do that again," she snapped. "Don't shake me again, Sam. You _will_ regret it if you do."

Jimmy took a couple steps back towards them. "Castiel?" He waited until she'd transferred her annoyed stare to him before continuing. "Would you do something for me?" He raised his hands.

"What?"

"Take a few deep breaths, nice and slow." He moved to stand between her and Sam.

"I fail to see what the point of that would be."

"Jimmy's right, Cas. You need to calm down and you need to do it now." Sam stepped around from behind him to stand beside him.

"Just do it. For me?" Jimmy angled his body, trying to keep her attention on him and off of Sam.

She rolled her eyes, but took an exaggerated breath. "There. Happy."

He made a 'rolling' gesture with one hand. "A couple more."

With each breath, she looked less agitated and upset. Slowly, she stepped back and sank into the overstuffed chair. While she appeared more calm, Jimmy could see the churning of emotion in her eyes. Castiel was anything but calm. Whatever Dean had said to her had caused this. Jimmy had warned her Dean would be upset, angry, and would likely say or do something to upset her in return, because that was what humans did. Obviously, she hadn't fully internalized his advice. Obviously, her hope had outweighed that advice.

"What happened," Jimmy asked.

Cas looked up at him. "I told them the situation, Dean no longer wants me, he wants her, and she's going to die." Her voice was sulky, rife with emotional hurt.

"Okay." He turned to Sam. "What happened?"

"I already _told_ you the facts." Castiel crossed her legs, adjusting her skirt across her knees.

"You've given me a quarter fact and three-quarters raw emotion. I want to hear what Sam has to say."

She snorted and rolled her eyes again.

Were the effects of the female vessel hitting her faster than it had previously or was it just Jimmy's imagination? He still wasn't sure this was a good idea, but Castiel was eager to return to Dean. While Jimmy could understand it, the old issues hadn't gone away. There was the matter of angelic duties for one.

"Dean lashed out, Cas was hurt by what he said - which he didn't mean - and she left right after I grabbed on to her knowing she'd take off. I could see that coming a mile away. Castiel is nothing if not consistent in that particular angelic behavior." He sat across from Castiel, on the edge of the couch cushion. "He doesn't love Risa, Cas." Sam shook his head. "He's said some pretty strange things to me these past months, like how he thought he'd loved her, but then suddenly it felt different and he couldn't figure out how when nothing had changed. Dean doesn't love Risa. It's apparent now that when that feeling of love changed is when you went back to Jimmy full-time and all that was left was her alone."

"Why did he say that to me then?"

"For the same reason you zapped us out of there. The emotional pain." He sighed. "You took away someone that was special to him - you - and replaced her with someone else. Then you bring all that back and tell him that his someone else is dying. Of course he's in pain right now. You are too. You'll both be in pain for awhile from it."

She stared at him. Jimmy could practically see the struggle inside her on whether or not to believe Sam. "You're certain he didn't mean it?"

"Absolutely."

Jimmy sat on the arm of her chair. She was calming down in slow degrees. Stepping back into Risa had been a more emotional action than Cas had anticipated. He thought she'd been incredibly naïve regarding many things that involved Risa. She'd gone into that motel room in Risa's body and felt all those things she'd felt for Dean again, only with added pain of knowing she'd changed things for nothing. She'd made a decision that had done little good in the end and might even have harmed Dean emotionally.

"I apologize, Sam. This is harder than I'd thought it would be. Having that full range of emotion once more is still overwhelming." She clasped her hands together. "If I accept Risa's offer, I'm uncertain how I'll cope with the constant barrage of feelings and sensations."

Sam rested his forearms on his thighs. "There _are_ techniques that are supposed to help with that."

"Like what?" She snorted. The amount of annoyance Castiel could display in a single snort frankly amazed Jimmy. "Breathing techniques?"

"Yeah, like breathing techniques. They work, Cas. Even Dean knows that. He's used them before. Just take slow, deep breaths when you feel it starting to hit you -"

Her laugh was low, throaty, and thoroughly not amused. "You're not getting it, are you, Sam?" She leaned forward, hands clenching the arms of the chair. "That pain you speak of dismissively will be so intense that when it happens, I'll want to flee this body to get away from it - and have. To stay in Risa, I'll need to figure out some way to deal with that on a permanent, day-to-day basis because once Jimmy is safely with his family, there'll be no going back. I promised him that if I did this, I wouldn't return to him as a vessel ever. Neither him nor Claire."

"You two talked about this already?"

"We talked," Jimmy told him. The experience of being in Risa the first time had changed Castiel and Jimmy's relationship in a way Jimmy had been glad to have. There was more consideration given to him now than ever before. Cas had become very aware of how her actions could affect others, including her vessel.

"Of course." Castiel glanced at Jimmy. "My decision affects him and his family. I wouldn't not discuss this one with him."

"How certain are you that you're going to accept her offer?"

"I wanted your thoughts on it, yours and Dean's. I already have Jimmy's thoughts. I'd need to take greater care in protecting him and his family, but I've made a few friends upstairs who are entirely trustworthy and would aid me. Their safety would be a priority, but," she bit her lip, "I'm ninety-five-point-seven percent certain at this moment that I'll accept."

"What about heaven? The fight with Raphael that's still going on? What about doing your job? Or isn't that a concern anymore? Are you falling? Giving up on heaven? How is making this choice now different than seven months ago when you weighed it all and decided to go back to Jimmy?"

"I'm not falling, Sam, nor am I giving up on heaven. I'm choosing to take a different vessel that could provide…perks unavailable with my current vessel. And it _is_ different. The choice is not purely for my own gain. That makes a big difference. It's not only for me to love Dean, though it is a consideration, of course. It's to give Jimmy his life and family back, give Dean a return to the peace and healing he'd begun to experience. It's to give Risa the comfort she's looking for. She's asking me to numb the emotional pain she's feeling, that very same thing I do for Jimmy and Jimmy does for me. She wants to do this, Sam."

"Perks. That's a word Dean would use." There was the hint of an amused smile forming on Sam's lips. "You mean sex and emotions."

"Moving to her permanently would mean severing my connection to Jimmy - what I'd forgotten to do with Risa after changing her memories. I'd transfer fully to her and figure out some way to cope with the increase in sensory information. I know it can be done, because there _are_ angels in female vessels currently on earth. I simply aren't certain how to do it. I'll have to learn as I work, I suppose, or track one down that's friendly to my cause in heaven. Likely I will do the latter."

"You really think you can make it work with Dean? Balance out heaven and earth? You're willing to go through that day to day pain -"

"Yes, Sam, I am and I do think it can work. I will _make_ it work because without Dean…." She shrugged. "I've been lost. I've been half of what I should be. I've been…"

"Incomplete," Jimmy finished for her.

Her glance was grateful and she nodded. "Yes. I feel broken without him, which is very much like the sensation I had while becoming human. The feeling of loss on such a fundamental level…."

Emotions crossed Sam's face, Jimmy identifying them as he saw them. Surprise, regret, fear, sadness, resignation and finally, understanding. Sam nodded. "Okay. Okay. If you want to do this and you've weighed the risks completely…I'll support you. I'll do what I can to help keep you and Dean as stable as possible."

"Why? Why this time? Last time -"

Sam sighed. "Because you're walking in with your eyes wide open. You've experienced both sides - with Dean and without him after having that relationship. You know the consequences you could face, but you also know that you need Dean. He needs you. You've thought about it all and I think you decided long ago that if you ever had this very chance, you'd take it and damn the consequences."

Castiel's chin raised a fraction, though she didn't reply to that charge, lending it a sense of absolute truth.

"Just don't ever do what you did with the memories again and we'll be golden."

"I won't. I know better."

"You do know Dean's going to want to hear all of this from Risa, right?"

Jimmy stood. "No time like the present. Let's go now."

Castiel looked at him, hesitancy in her eyes, then nodded once, stretched her hands out to him and Sam, and took them to the motel room.

* * *

It's starting.

The thought ran through Risa's mind when Castiel left her and she felt a burst of physical weakness that hadn't been there the last time. The sickness inside her was beginning to affect her body. She sank down into a chair at the table a little harder than she'd intended, not missing the concern in Dean's eyes. The hurt on his face prompted a fresh welling of tears that she blinked away.

Would he understand why she was choosing to be Castiel's vessel? Would he get what was going on in her mind?

"Cancer," he prompted, his shoulders shifting as though the word made him uncomfortable. The word made a lot of people uncomfortable. In many cases it meant death. Like in hers.

"Yes. I wouldn't have known if I hadn't had to have an extensive physical this year. I should have expected it with my family history, but…."

He glanced at Castiel and back. "Why call Cas? Why not call me the second you knew? I mean, I thought you and I were -"

She clasped her hands together on the tabletop. They were trembling and felt so very cold. She wanted to reach out and touch him, yet he suddenly seemed very far away from her, as though a wall had come up between them. "I knew what he was, what he could do. I'd hoped that even while he disliked me, that he'd heal me and he did try. Dean, I felt and saw his desperation to heal me and his anger and despair when he realized he couldn't outright and that the only way to stall the…the can…_it_ is for me to become his vessel again, this time full-time like Jimmy is."

"Yeah, about that. Why offer yourself? He has Jimmy already."

"But his vessel has a family. I don't. I've some friends, but no blood family left. You. You know I love you because I've said it, but Dean…. I know you don't love me." Risa was proud that her voice didn't break on the word 'love'. "It's Castiel you love and yeah, it hurts a little to know that. More than a little, really. Still, I do know you care about me."

"Risa -"

"It's Castiel as me that you love. He showed me some of his memories, which was quite the trippy experience I might add, and I saw how you looked at him. You've never looked at me that way, not once." She unclasped her hands. "I know what losing people means to you and I'm dying. It's unavoidable at this point. I am dying. It will happen. Now, if I can give you that happiness back that you had with Castiel as me, then I'll do it. I'll be his vessel, because I want you happy. I'll be his vessel and you won't be losing me, not really. I'll be in there, united with Castiel in loving you." She blinked, dislodging the tears in her eyes. "So really, it's like a two for one deal."

"Don't be glib about this. Don't make jokes."

"Dean -"

"I'm attached to you, Risa."

"I know that. I'd be dead already if Castiel hadn't taken that initial action. The only reason you had me at all for any length of time is because of him and what you had with him to start with. If I don't do this, I'll be dead, as in really dead, long gone and you'll never have Castiel back the way you want. If I do, then you'll have both of us. Mostly Castiel, of course. Which would you rather? Neither or both?"

"I tried to love you. I knew something felt different and now I know why. It was because Cas left and there was only you there."

Stretching out her hands, she touched his, covered them with her own, encouraged when he didn't move away. "You can have that all-encompassing love you had with Castiel back. He _loves_ you, Dean, and wants to be with you and you'll never have to worry about him except with the angel war because he can take care of anything that comes his way. He's a freakin' _angel_."

"I need to think about this."

"Don't take too long. I'm on a somewhat limited timeframe here. While I'm not sick yet, I will be and soon. I'm going to get sicker and sicker very fast."

Dean nodded and pulled his hands out from beneath hers. "I'll be back in awhile."

She watched him leave and sat there with Sam. Waiting, hoping, and praying that Dean would approve and that the only one who would ever be aware of how scared she was of really dying was Castiel.

* * *

Sam didn't want to stay. What he wanted was to give Dean and Risa privacy for this emotional talk, yet Risa insisted he stay. Why? Was it because Sam was on board with her plan and would support her if need be?

He shifted a little on the bed, uncomfortable with being a witness. Dean's expression was as stony as Castiel could be at times and Risa? She appeared to be on the verge of a breakdown, barely holding herself together. Maybe she'd asked him to stay so they both _wouldn't_ break down, a polite check and balance in order for her to be able to say what she needed to say to Dean.

The talk was going about as well as he'd thought it would. Their voices were low, Risa doing most of the talking. Castiel stood beside him, also watching them. Sam wondered if he was listening in on what was being said.

"You don't have to stay, Cas. This could take awhile. Take a walk or something. Go sit at the park."

Cas didn't say anything, but heeded that advice, slipping from view in a second.

When the talk was over, Dean left the room and Sam took that chair he'd vacated. "You know I was skeptical about you, right?"

At least he remembered being so. That natural skepticism for a civilian woman attempting a relationship with a hunter. Risa, however, had surprised him, rising to the task with a willingness to learn and understand. She'd taken on the tasks Dean had asked of her, such as weapons training, and only truly freaked out a couple times, both times natural, like Jo had in Philadelphia that one time. Risa had adjusted far quicker than he'd thought she would. He'd grown to really like her, yet knowing what he did now from those lost memories, he saw that between the two, Risa and Castiel, Risa would lose every time. She simply wasn't what Dean truly wanted or needed.

And she knew it, accepting that with a quiet sort of dignity and a willingness, in the face of her own death, to give that relationship back to Dean and Castiel if they were willing to take it.

That floored him. He thought it displayed her feelings for Dean rather well.

"Usually civilians who get into the life are pushed into it," he continued, " many by tragedy. Yours was hardly tragedy. You just walked into it and said 'teach me so I understand'. You're a unique woman, Risa."

"That life is sort of a package deal with Dean, sort of like you are. The two of you and it, you're connected, entwined. It would have been naïve of me to pretend otherwise and pretend none of it could affect me. How is that unique?"

"Believe me, a lot of women and men both can't handle what they find out. You're a vessel, Risa. That alone gives you an in into our world, though we didn't recall the vessel part until earlier when Cas let us."

"As for accepting the truth of the life, I've made a career of the study of religion and a hobby of studying such things as folklore. I'd read accounts of the supernatural before meeting you two and after…." She crossed her arms on the table and laid her head down on them. "Maybe I was meant to take over as Castiel's vessel and have an understanding of all of it to make an informed decision. Stranger things have happened."

He acknowledged that with a slow nod. "Maybe. Maybe Cas and Dean are meant to be together. I'm sure it'd be a load off of Dean's mind to have a woman he doesn't have to worry about; one who has the power to defend herself against most things that'd try to hurt her; one who could save _him_ if need be - and has. No offense, Risa."

"None taken. Points I made to Dean. Angel sort of trumps human pretty hard in that department. Loving Castiel is still a risk for him if I understand the war in heaven part, but it's less of a risk than a human woman. He can love without fear."

And perhaps that was what Dean needed. Love without fear. Sam had seen before how Dean had begun to truly heal. Maybe that healing could continue with Castiel back by his side in Risa's body.

* * *

The thing Dean wanted most was being dangled in front of him: Castiel in Risa's body.

He had a need for him as her, a thing that sent his pulse racing to contemplate. The thought that he could have Cas back within a day or two made him happy while the stark realization that Risa was going to essentially be gone forever no matter what option was chosen made him grieve. She was an exceptional woman. She'd deserved to have a man who did honestly love her. He wished it could have been him.

But Castiel would take care of her. He'd taken good care of Jimmy in comparison to the way other angels treated their vessels, so Dean thought she'd be as comfortable as Cas could make her.

Was he rationalizing? Was he being selfish in wanting to have the switch done and over?

Well…. The sooner the switch, the less pain and sickness Risa would feel. She would slide into that place vessels went in the subconscious or wherever, never feeling pain. Nor, however, would she feel anything at all again unless Castiel left her or…. Could Cas let her surface? He couldn't remember what Cas had ever said on the subject. Maybe he should ask. It'd be nice to be able to talk to Risa occasionally, if only for a moment.

Dean pondered all of that, walking aimlessly, finally coming back towards the motel from the opposite direction he'd left. As he passed the park, he saw a familiar figure sitting on one bench and headed over to him.

"Cas." Dean touched his shoulder and circled around to sit beside him. This time it wasn't early morning, nor were they alone. There were other people in the park. Children played on the swings and slides and a few people were out walking dogs. "Here we are on a park bench again. You're sort of predictable that way, you know."

Castiel sat back, hands resting on his knees and head tipping back. He didn't look at Dean. "I'll understand if you tell her 'no'."

"Should I tell her 'no'?"

That caused a long, searching, and very hurt glance. Castiel turned his head, attention leaving Dean. "Do what you want. Exercise your free will."

"Uh-uh. It ain't so easy as me doing what I want. There's this whole feelings thing going on between us and her and while I know why she wants that, I'm not one hundred percent on you. Why do you want to go back to her? I mean, with the emotional and physical part of it. You had trouble the last time coping. Why go through it again for an unspecified time period?"

"Do I have to spell it out?"

"Apparently."

Castiel sighed, licked his lips, and looked him in the eyes. "I love you, Dean. I feel incomplete without you."

To their left came a shocked gasp and he turned, seeing the middle aged woman with a small dog at the end of the bench. "What? You never saw a man declare undying love to another man before?"

She made a miffed noise and stomped away, dragging the poor tiny dog behind her, it's short little legs struggling to keep up with her.

He turned back to Castiel. "Did I actually just say that? Out loud?" He shook his head. "The sooner we have you back in a chick, the better."

"You want me to take her as a vessel? Remain in her?"

"Honestly? I do. Maybe it's not the smartest thing to do. Maybe it's my emotions talking, but…yeah. I want you back in her and with me."

"Are you sure, Dean? Because there won't be an out this time. Jimmy will no longer be available as a vessel. This step is frightening to me. I'm planning to step out of Jimmy and into Risa for the duration of…forever, enduring whatever comes with being in a female vessel. I'll be losing the safety and familiarity of Jimmy, the vessel I've had for years now. This action terrifies me, Dean, so you'd better be certain before I do it that you want this."

"Oh, I'm sure. I'm more than sure on this point. Not that I won't miss you in this vessel."

"But you'd like me in her more." Cas sounded hurt about that.

"How do you want me, Cas?" He sighed. "Do you want me the way you do in Jimmy or the way you do in Risa? I think you've already answered that question by showing up earlier wearing her. You want me the way you do in her and I want you as her. I've said yes. Now, you can sit here and agonize all you want, but this decision is yours. We've all had our say on what we think about it. All that's left is for you to decide if you're taking her offer or not. Are you coming back to me that way or not?"

The expression on Castiel's face was the very same one Dean remembered from their last park bench conversation on that first morning after. Vulnerable. Frightened. Yet still desiring that action. So strange to see it and recognize it despite Jimmy and Risa being two different people. Cas gulped, the sound loud. "Yes," he said. "I'm going to tell her yes."

Hope swelled in Dean's body. "Then let's go tell her."

He didn't even mind when Castiel transported them back to the room in a single second.

When the plans had been made, giving Castiel a few days to find and transport Amelia and Claire to Risa's house and make a few arrangements, Dean sat beside Risa on the bed and put an arm around her. "Okay, you two. Scram."

He didn't miss Sam's grateful glance or the eagerness with which Castiel left them. Once alone with Risa, he held her tight to him as she began to cry, a weird sort of cold numbness growing inside him. Maybe he didn't love her, but he was sure as hell going to miss her. She'd been willing to jump into his life and make it hers as well, a fearless kind of woman. That didn't happen often.

She shuddered against him, head raising. Her tears were momentarily gone, and even with the hard evidence of them - swollen, red eyes, flushed face - she was beautiful. "I'm sorry, Dean. I'm so sorry."

He caressed her cheek. ""Not your fault. These things happen, right?"

Risa shook her head, a warning gleam in her eyes. "Don't."

"What?"

"Don't do that 'strong for me' bullshit. You know I hate that crap."

"Risa -"

"No. _No_." She drew back a fraction. "I don't want you holding this inside."

"I _won't_. I just…. Let me do this in my own time."

"Promise you'll deal with it."

"Yeah, sure."

Quirking a brow, she wiped her cheeks with a hand. "You're lying."

The certainty with which she said it took his breath for several seconds. At times, Risa could read him as easily as a book. Like now, because he _was_ lying. He'd planned to shove it aside, pretend they were only going back to that original arrangement and that when Cas left, Risa went back to her life. It felt safer to do that. "How do you know that? Even Sam doesn't always know when I'm lying and you hit it more often than he does."

Risa took his face in her hands. "Sam doesn't love you like I do. I can just see it, Dean. I _know_. It's in your expression, your eyes, voice, the way you move…or don't move. Don't lie to me and don't lie to yourself, _especially_ to yourself. I'm not going to have my life back at all. I'm leaving it behind to be a vessel and I'm doing it because? Why, Dean? Tell me."

He sighed. "You have no family."

"And?"

"You know what Cas and I had and understand it."

"Keep going."

"Risa." He said her name far sharper than he'd intended, but she pressed on.

"Say it. I'm sick and dying. I can say it. Why can't you?"

He drew in a harsh breath that hurt his throat and looked away from her. "If I say it, it'll make it real and reality sucks." Truth in a nutshell. Perhaps not healthy, but truth nonetheless. "Reality takes people from you when they should stay."

She was quiet a long moment, then slid closer, back into his embrace. "In your own time then."

It wasn't like he'd avoid it forever. Someday, Dean would let himself face the reason why Risa had chosen to be Castiel's vessel. Until then, however, he'd pretend that things had never changed. He had Cas and Risa…. Risa had a life away from him.


	3. Chapter 3

Title: The Best Laid Plans  
Chapter: 3  
Summary: Castiel learns that even his most carefully executed plans aren't always adequate to stop the pain of life. Sequel to 'The Dilemma of Human Investment'.  
Rating: M  
Disclaimer: 'Supernatural' was created by Eric Kripke. No disrespect is intended.

* * *

Jimmy's wife was a nice woman. Risa decided if anyone was going to have her house and belongings, it might as well be Amelia. She left Castiel packing a bag of things he thought he might need as her. With amusement, she noted that those things he packed coincided with those she remembered packing a year earlier.

She went downstairs to give Amelia a full tour of the house while Claire watched tv.

"Castiel says he's arranged a transfer of property and funds from me to you. If something happens to Jimmy, God forbid, you'll have no problems. I think if anyone asks any questions, just tell them Jimmy's my half brother and I left everything to you two. I've never talked about my family, so no one should say anything. I'm sure I can get Castiel to provide some sort of documents to support that as well."

"Documents would help."

"Then I'll see you have them." She showed Amelia the attic, asked her not to disturb the boxes of clothes for awhile, until they were sure Castiel wouldn't want them, then led her down to the second floor.

Castiel was in her bedroom, still packing items he'd concluded that Dean had appreciated the most and would probably like to see again. He held up a lace teddy that was little more than two strips of five inch lace stitched together in a couple places. A frown creased his brow and he studied it before folding it neatly and placing it in an overnight bag.

While Amelia's gaze turned speculative, she didn't say anything.

Risa led Amelia down into the kitchen, peeking into the living room at Claire as they passed the doorway. The teenager was engrossed in a show about clothing designers and fashion. Risa swallowed back a feeling of regret. She'd thought she'd have time to have children, had even entertained the thought of trying to have one with Dean - although she probably would have been asked to step down from her job. An unmarried, pregnant religion professor wouldn't have reflected well for a Presbyterian private college. "Your daughter is beautiful, Amelia."

"Thank you. I think so, too, but as her mother I'm naturally biased." She gestured at the tv. "Claire's latest career decision is to be a fashion designer. I keep telling her she has to learn to sew, but she doesn't believe me." Amelia sighed and smiled. "The wisdom of teenagers."

They ended up on the porch, Risa sitting in one chair and Amelia on the swing, talking about little things until Amelia finally stopped in the middle of one sentence and leaned forward.

"Thank you for this, Risa. I don't know how the Winchesters do the nomadic lifestyle. To have a home again…." She brushed tears away. "Thank you for that and for giving me my husband back."

"You're welcome. It makes sense to me for Castiel to take me as his permanent vessel. I'm not long for this world on my own and there are other factors involved." Risa didn't want to elaborate, trying to hedge around the other factors. If Jimmy wanted to fill her later in, he could. Risa didn't think she needed to explain the full situation to her, because if she tried, Amelia might get the wrong idea.

"Factors?" Amelia wiped her eyes again and sat back. "Do those factors have anything to do with the goody bag Castiel was packing full of racy lingerie?"

Seeing Amelia was well on the way to getting the wrong idea, Risa said, "Amelia, nothing untoward happened while Castiel was in Jimmy's body."

"Then why is he packing those things?"

"The things that happened were all while he was in my body."

Amelia thought a moment. "I'm going to guess with Dean Winchester."

"Yes."

"Risa."

She looked up. Castiel was in the doorway, the overnight bag in hand. How long had he been standing there? "Yes?"

"It's time."

"All right." She got up and started to him. As they passed the living room, Claire switched off the tv and went outside through the side door. Risa explained what Amelia needed and was relieved to find he was already ahead of her.

"The documents are in an envelope on the desk in the office."

Through the window looking into the back yard, she could see the guard Castiel had assigned to Jimmy's family. The angel, Micah, said he owed Castiel a debt and was happy to protect the Novak family to the very best of his ability. Debt meaning Cas had saved him from being killed by Raphael's supporters several times now.

She sat down on one chair and smoothed her clothes, making sure she looked presentable, then looked up at him. "I'm scared, Castiel. What if this doesn't work and the cancer breaks through and you have to leave me because of it? What if I really have to face it? What if -"

He set the bag down and knelt before her. In a tentative motion, he reached out and placed his hands on hers. "That can't happen. We've discussed this. You'll be safe with me. No pain."

"Are you sure?"

"Would you like a moment with Jimmy and ask him?"

She'd never spoken to Jimmy. Castiel had always been in him. "Can you do that?"

"I can."

There was a bright light and then Castiel slumped over with a tiny groan. When he looked up and spoke, she realized it was now Jimmy with her. His voice was higher and the blue of his eyes seemed less vibrant. "Risa. Hi. It's nice to meet you in person. Any questions?"

"Was he right? No pain?"

He shifted his weight and removed his hands from hers. "To an extent. You may feel something occasionally, but consciousness isn't long. It's not like you'll be awake much. The heat and light of angel sort of burns everything away. When you do have consciousness, you'll find a lot of time has passed since the last time. You know that, Risa. You were his vessel for awhile."

"Not like you. Not for weeks, months at a time. Only a couple days every few days."

"You know you'll be fine with Castiel. It'll be more of the same of what you remember." He stood. "Anything else?"

"No. I don't suppose." In a moment, her life would drop away and Risa Hope would no longer exist in the world as herself. She was a bit sad for that.

"Are you ready then?" At her slow nod, he took a few more steps back. "Then tell Cas that."

She looked up at the ceiling and said, "I'm ready now, Castiel," feeling a little foolish for speaking to thin air - until that same light and heat she'd seen move from Jimmy encircled her. For a second, it felt like the warm, welcoming hug of an old friend, and then Risa fell back behind the angel, ceasing to be aware of her surroundings.

* * *

Castiel was careful in going into her, being as gentle as he could, taking the time to make sure she was sleeping before stretching out completely. Perhaps Risa appreciated that consideration. She _wanted_ to be considerate of Risa because Risa didn't have to make this offer. She could have simply accepted her death and gone to it. Instead, she'd chosen to give something back to Castiel and Dean both. Cas turned her attention to Jimmy.

"You've been an exceptional vessel, Jimmy. I thank you." She pushed to stand and walked to him, pleased that Risa had decided against wearing heels. While she'd gotten better at walking in them, Cas didn't think she'd ever be as graceful as Risa had been in them. "I regret that this may hurt for a moment." Before Jimmy could move, she touched his forehead, severing the connection between them with a pang of anxiety. To go back to him now would mean restoring that connection that had been made long ago in Jimmy's living room late at night.

Jimmy jerked back with a hiss of pain. "Oh geez, that hurt! What, were you giving me a lobotomy, too?"

"I severed the connection that has been strong between us for years now. There's understandably some discomfort for you."

"Discomfort. It's like a bad migraine, Castiel."

With a little sigh, she reached out again and siphoned the pain away. "There. Is that better?"

"Thanks." He studied her. "No pain for you?"

"I'm saddened to lose you as a vessel, of course, but my…pain will escalate over the next few days and will be far more than a bad migraine. I won't have a pleasant time of it."

She planned to seek out a contact upstairs, one in a female vessel that had been an ally in the resistance against Raphael's takeover attempts. She hoped the angel would be willing to talk on the matter of female vessels and that some answers could be found before she returned to Dean. It'd be nice to have a better idea of how things could go in the next months.

"I need to go, Jimmy. Should your family need me, you may call or send Micah."

His hand lashed out and gripped her arm before she could pick up that bag she'd packed.

* * *

Jimmy watched Castiel become Risa and wondered if it looked the same when Cas became him. The shifting of expression so minute that one had to pay close attention to see it. The sudden knowledge that a different presence was looking outside through those eyes. When she spoke, her voice was deeper, the sort that could described as 'sultry'.

He both wanted Cas to leave and for her to stay, and understood just how hard this was for her. She was leaving safety and swimming out into unknown waters.

Jimmy grasped her arm and lowered his voice. "Castiel, wait." He glanced around them, making certain neither Amelia nor Claire were nearby. "If something happens to Risa and you can't stay in her -"

"No, Jimmy. I promised you your life back, albeit with a few changes for your security. You'll have it."

He released her arm. "You've changed."

Bending, she picked up the bag that had been packed. "I'm committed to this vessel now. There's no going back. I either cope…or I don't."

"I mean it. I'm serious."

Castiel led him to a window and pointed outside to where Amelia and Claire were. "Look at them, Jimmy."

He looked, his heart swelling with the fullness of his love for them. His beautiful family. He'd never expected to ever have them with him again day to day, nor for the rest of his life. But he did have them with him, them and a life to replace the one shattered when Castiel had first come to him. This was a new home, new life, new everything, and he was grateful for that.

"You don't mean it." She leaned over, mouth near his ear. "You love your family. You have your family."

"Yes."

"You're not going to say yes to me again because it's too painful to know you're losing them again."

Jimmy bowed his head and closed his eyes, nodding. "You're right. You're right, Castiel." He opened his eyes and started to continue, only to find himself alone.

Castiel had left without saying goodbye.

He smiled, his smile tinged with sadness. Out of all the things Castiel had learned, she'd never learned how to say goodbye. Jimmy, strangely, felt better with no goodbye between them. With no goodbye, he could imagine they might meet again some day.

* * *

It was Sam Castiel called to gain information on their whereabouts and Sam who offered to stay the night elsewhere. From his tone, it sounded like he'd had plans to that effect already, mentioning something about a woman he and Dean had once met that he'd recently hooked back up with. Cas didn't really listen to the details. As long as Sam wouldn't be there.

She materialized in the room. Dean was watching tv, quickly shutting it off and getting up when he saw her.

"Where've you been? Jimmy said you bugged out two days ago." He'd been worried she saw and was surprised at the same time that he'd thought Jimmy might still know where she was. Like he thought she and Jimmy would be friends. To the contrary, Castiel was severing contact as much as possible to protect Jimmy. She'd still receive reports from Micah occasionally, but would have no contact herself unless it was needed.

Did she need to rethink that? Why would Dean assume it was so unless he thought it would happen? Certainly, she and Jimmy had been through a lot together and had come to understand each other fairly well, but…friends? She mused a second on Dean's definition of friendship and realized that yes, she now qualified as Jimmy's friend.

She set the bag down beside his. "I went to speak to one of my sisters. My supporters assure me of her loyalty and truthfulness."

"And?"

"She says a few of my conclusions on female vessels were mostly correct, but that prolonged inhabitation makes the emotions and sensations easier to handle."

"The longer you take, the easier it'll be?"

"The longer I take in a row, Dean. Female vessels must stay filled or we go back to 'square one'. They require a bit more care than male vessels. They are far more delicate. Less disposable."

"Disposable? Nice word for all the male vessels out there. So you're saying chicks are different whether they're human or angel." His voice was gruff.

"Yes. She says I'll have an adjustment period where the emotions are almost too intense and at times close to real pain, but that if I push on through them I should be able to eventually find a balance between the human and myself. It's the only way. Once I'm through that period, I should be approximately at day two and a half emotion-wise and will remain there, provided of course, that I don't leave Risa. I'd be starting over in that case." She leaned against the dresser instead of going to him like she wanted, uncertain of how he'd respond were she to attempt to be physically closer to him. "Female vessels aren't what I thought they were, Dean. My assumptions were…off. They were special assignments handed out by Zachariah only to those he thought he could trust implicitly because they do require more care and planning. The angel-vessel bond is very strong in a successful female vessel-angel pairing and not all angels can make it through the process completely."

"You didn't know any of this already? Seriously, Cas?"

"I was a simple soldier, Dean. I wasn't made privy to the details of female vessels or the process through which they were picked. I had no reason to care as long as the angels I needed were there when I needed them." Castiel didn't tell him about how hard the adjustment would be. Her contact had stressed the pain of it. What Cas had felt thus far was nothing to what was coming.

"You trust this female angel?" He sauntered closer, nearly to her. "I mean, if Zach hand picked her -"

"She was spying on him and others. I trust her. She's been loyal."

"Mmm-hmm." He crossed his arms. Castiel could see the emotions changing in his eyes. Worry sliding towards anger. "Every time you went back to Jimmy, things got re-set with you and Risa, sort of like starting a record over."

"A record? What's -"

"And if you'd stayed in her through the overwhelming emotions, they would have eventually eased enough for you to do your job as well as stick around with me in the way we were."

She turned her gaze to the floor. "If I understand her correctly…yes."

"You didn't have to go."

"I suppose no."

"You changed things for nothing except to get me attached to Risa too."

She swallowed and stood up straight. "Yes. If I'd been thinking properly -"

"But you weren't, were you, Cas?" His words were openly angry now.

Regret welled up inside her. "No, I wasn't. I jumped to conclusions based upon the facts I saw before me. We all did. You, me, Sam." She hadn't been thinking very clearly at all, experiencing those emotions, enjoying feeling _something_.

"You're the one who changed our memories."

"What would you have had me do, Dean?" She felt frustrated by his anger. He knew why she'd done it, yet still he was angry? "You were being torn apart inside. How could I not try to make it better somehow?"

The argument began then, one that seemed to escalate, Castiel's confusion increasing. Why was Dean so angry? She didn't understand and he wasn't explaining, merely yelling things at her, accusations that she'd already said were truth. Over and over it went.

"I don't understand," she cried out.

Dean paused in the middle of one angry sentence and Castiel had approximately four seconds to note the flaring of desperate desire in his eyes before he had her pinned to the wall, his mouth on hers in a kiss that conveyed his feelings in full. Love, anger, want, and need all swirled together in a mix of possessiveness. He kissed her as though she was air he needed to breathe.

His. She was his…and he was hers.

Her hands trembled as she grasped his shirt and dragged him closer.

This.

Yes.

This was what she'd wanted, what she'd _needed_: their bond come full circle into completion and a return to that sense of oneness with him.

Dean shuddered against her, his lips leaving hers to trail down her neck. He grasped her blouse, ripping, tearing instead of unbuttoning it. "Get these off," he said, voice low and harsh. "Now."

She undid the remaining fastenings to her clothes as he removed his own, barely getting out of them before he was grabbing her to him and whirling her away from the wall. He lifted her against him and then Castiel was falling backwards onto the bed.

Foreplay was non-existent, but she didn't need it. She was ready, arching up to meet his hard thrust, gasping and sighing her pleasure in their bodies being joined together.

This was where she belonged.

With Dean.

Much later, lying still beside each other in the dark, Dean's voice sounded.

"I'm still pissed at you, you know."

"I do," she replied.

Though he was angry with her, his hand still clasped hers, fingers twining with hers. "And I do still love you, Cas."

She squeezed his hand. "I love you, too, Dean." Closing her eyes, she pretended that she could sleep, listening to Dean slowly slide into that state himself.

Already, she could feel the urge to flee Risa's body growing and was determined to be one of the few who finished this process. She didn't simply need to.

She had to. She'd taken Risa as her vessel and there was no going back. Failure wasn't an option.


	4. Chapter 4

Title: The Best Laid Plans  
Chapter: 4  
Summary: Castiel learns that even his most carefully executed plans aren't always adequate to stop the pain of life. Sequel to 'The Dilemma of Human Investment'.  
Rating: M  
Disclaimer: 'Supernatural' was created by Eric Kripke. No disrespect is intended.

* * *

The sixth day was hitting Castiel hard and it seemed to Dean that the whole thing was faster than before, as if making the decision to make a female vessel permanent did something. She'd been pacing the room for hours. He'd woken to Cas pacing back and forth and, as she paced, she watched him. It wasn't the sort of stare she'd had before, but rather one that indicated she was seconds from throwing him down and having her way with him - whether Sam was in the room or not.

Dean hadn't had time to think about Risa and maybe that was for the best.

He looked at Sam, who was busy at the table on his laptop, trying to find anything he could to help Castiel through this period. Leaning over, he half-whispered, "Tell me you've got something."

Sam shook his head. "I'm sorry, but there's nothing anywhere. Any drug we give her will be out of her system in minutes at most and the breathing thing obviously isn't working."

"Yeah, that didn't turn out so well." All the deep breathing had done was aggravate her. Going to Castiel, he touched her arm. "Maybe you should go take a cold shower."

"Only if you join me."

"Defeats the purpose."

"I don't care." She pressed against him. "I need it. I need _something_, because it feels like my skin is crawling." She grasped his shirt. "And it's too much, Dean." Her eyes went wide, lower lip trembling. "You have to contain me or I'll go to Jimmy and plead until he gives in and he _will_ give in. Contain me. It's the _only_ way."

He put his hands on her waist, slid them around to her back. "We'll figure something out."

She licked her lips, a slow movement of her tongue. "I've figured it out." She slid one hand up his chest to his neck and raised up on tiptoe, bringing her mouth close to his. "Enochian symbols on the walls."

Sam stood and stepped over to them. "Wait, the symbols demons use to keep you guys out of places?"

Castiel laid her head on Dean's chest. "The symbols will contain me if you put them on the walls of a room with me in the room. I won't be able to leave."

"It does make sense, Dean."

"Weird sense. Are you sure Cas?"

She gave a long, irritated groan. "Just do it."

"Here?"

Drawing back, she looked at him, her stare annoyed. "No, not here." Castiel transferred one hand to Sam and with a lurching sensation in his stomach, they were in Bobby's kitchen. "_Here_. Safe."

"Can't you guys drive anywhere anymore," came Bobby's voice from the other room.

"Sorry, Bobby," Dean said, drawing Castiel closer. She was shivering as though she was cold, but her skin was very warm. She laid her head on his chest, leaning against him. "It's sort of an emergency."

"Take care of it, Sam. You know the symbols." She snaked her arms up about his neck. "Hurry."

"Emergency? Is that _Risa_ you've got with you? Where'd Castiel go?"

He could hear the suspicion in Bobby's voice. "Long story."

"Give me the Reader's Digest Condensed version."

Sam gave Cas's shoulder a squeeze and walked to Bobby, his voice low. "She's Castiel now. He switched vessels."

"Dean's girlfriend is an angelic vessel?"

"Yeah. And now she's Cas."

"As just a filled vessel or a filled vessel and girlfriend both?"

"The latter."

Dean saw Bobby roll his eyes and briefly wondered what bug had crawled up his ass today. "You're telling me Dean got Cas into bed?" Bobby's voice raised. "I knew you could charm the pants off a woman, Dean, but Castiel, too?"

"I'm irresistible, Bobby. Sam, the symbols?"

"Right. Bobby, do you have a room that you wouldn't mind having Enochian symbols spray painted all over the walls?"

"Do I want to know the story behind all of this?"

"You want to cooperate," Castiel snapped, drawing away to glare at him. "I'm at the very end of my emotional rope and in this state I'm very capable of doing damage to anyone in my way, including you."

"Emotional rope -"

Dean held on to her, knowing that any second she could snap and take them to Jimmy. He could feel the strength coiling along her limbs as she tensed. "Bobby, please. A room?"

"Yeah, sure, take one of the bedrooms upstairs if you have to."

"Spray paint?"

"You know where it's at."

In minutes, Dean was lifting Cas, carrying her through the house and up the stairs. She clung to him, eyes squeezed shut and breaths quick and shallow, fighting her urge to flee Risa's body. "Come on, Cas, take deep breaths or you'll pass out."

"I can't pass out."

"Not if you take deep breaths you can't."

"I'm an angel, Dean. We don't pass out."

"Oh yeah? You wanting to test that theory?" He stepped to the open bedroom door and through it. Sam was busy, drawing symbols on the walls ceiling and floor. Cas's grip on him tightened and he coughed. "You're choking me."

"Sorry. A reaction to the symbols."

Setting her on the bed, he knelt in front of her.

* * *

Dean was in love.

Bobby could see it plain as day. Dean's love for Castiel was in his eyes, on his face, in his manner. In minutes, Bobby knew the full difference between how Dean looked at Cas and how he'd looked at Risa.

He was in the room with her, kneeling before her while she sat on the bed, talking softly to her, his hands gentle on her face. It was a tender, chick-flick moment, and yet Dean was still Dean and Castiel still…well…_Castiel_. Their conversation bore that out.

"Raphael won't find you here?"

"A couple of my supporters are leading him and his supporters in other directions."

"A wild goose chase."

She blinked. "There are no geese involved, Dean, wild or domesticated. Nor would Raphael be inclined to chase geese if they _were_ involved. The idea of him running after birds is…disturbing. Amusing, but disturbing."

"No, I meant…." He licked his lips, took her hands in his, and shook his head. "Never mind. He can't find you, right?"

"He could, but it would take some doing on his part."

"You're sure?"

"I'm certain."

Bobby stepped out of Dean and Cas's sight. "Sam, is it -" He started to ask if Dean loving Castiel was a good idea and Sam must have been thinking about it, for he answered even as Bobby began to ask.

"Nope. Not at all, but it's a better idea than the other option."

"Which is?"

Sam carefully closed the door, blocking out the clear sounds of Cas and Dean's voices and gesturing at the stairs. "Let's go have a couple beers and I'll fill you in."

Once the beers were in hand and they were sitting, Sam explained the situation, from Castiel's initial plan to teach Dean a lesson a year earlier all the way to the current state of Risa's health and that promise to Jimmy.

"Cas has gone female, but with an initial price to pay for it. That the way it is?"

"Pretty much. The adjustment period is usually spent in heaven, helpless under the emotions and physical sensations and in the care of other angels that angel trusts completely. Female vessels are different than male vessels. Who knew, right? The angel Cas spoke with says it shouldn't be long, but I get the feeling Cas doesn't really know."

"What's long to an angel? Centuries?"

"No, I don't think it'll be that long, just long enough to feel like forever. Only the most determined and strong enough get all the way through it, so if Cas can make it to the end of that period, she'll be in the company of some of the strongest angels. Or so her source claims."

"So why didn't she stay upstairs for it?"

"Raphael's goons are still looking for her. She said she'd rather be here with us and know we've got her back while she's down than have another nasty surprise in heaven in a vulnerable moment."

"_Another_ surprise? What's Castiel been up to? Making lifelong pals?"

Sam laughed. "Yeah…. I guess there was a moment where a few of her supposed allies turned out to be on Raphael's payroll. The war doesn't appear to be leaning to one side or the other. Seems Cas has more support than Raphael thought and has _gained_ support as the fight has gone on."

"She going to be able to fight a war and be with Dean at the same time?"

Sam leaned his head back and sighed. "She thinks so and she's raring to try too. I think if she could walk away from the war and not walk away from heaven, she'd do it, but the two are connected, so…."

"Dean never does anything the easy way, does he?"

"Neither does Cas."

They clinked bottles and drank deeply.

* * *

They sat side by side, Dean trying his best to keep Castiel calm by talking - and failing in that regard. She was barely paying attention to anything he said, increasingly agitated, shifting her weight, tapping her hands on her legs, jiggling her feet until suddenly Dean found himself with her on his lap. She straddled him, skirt pushed high. Her mouth covered his in a kiss that was blistering in intensity, tongue moving in an insistent dance with his.

He grasped her thighs, caressed them, curving his fingers about the outer lean line of them and dragged his hands up beneath the skirt fabric to cup her rear.

Castiel wrenched her mouth away. "No!" She shoved him onto his back, grabbed his arms and pinned them above his head. "Don't touch," she ordered in a breathless tone, "just don't. I need you to not touch me yet."

"I'll try."

She released his wrists and sat up, removing her blouse and bra, tossing both behind her with an unconcerned air. Her chest was already flushed, nipples tight points.

"You're going to torture me, aren't you?" He raised up enough to tug off his t-shirt and laid back down.

Placing her hands on either side of his head, she leaned down, hair a curtain about their faces. "Is this torture, Dean?"

"You know it."

She leaned closer, teasing him with almost kisses, lips never quite meeting his, then slid up and arched her back, breasts close to his face. He used his mouth on her since hands were forbidden, licking, nibbling, sucking, transferring his attention back and forth. First the right breast, then the left…. Her head fell back with a moan. "Dean…."

He curled his fingers in the covers, fighting the urge to touch her and nearly losing that control when she writhed against him.

"I want you."

"You have me," he murmured, laying his head back and looking up at her. An idea filled his mind, something he thought she might like. "I've got an idea."

"I have several."

"This one means I need to go downstairs for a minute."

"No." She placed her hands on his chest as though to keep him there. "No going anywhere."

"Come on. I'll be a minute or two and you can use the time to finish getting undressed."

He watched her consider the idea. Slowly, she moved from him. "Hurry."

Unfortunately, his idea was pointless, as Bobby had neither item he wanted. However, Castiel didn't seem to care. She was still on the bed when he returned to the room, only now she was completely naked, sitting in a seductive pose that made him sweat. He thought she probably didn't even realize how seductive that pose was. Quickly, Dean pulled off his clothes and joined her.

She still wouldn't let him touch her, not once. Her lips nibbled a trail down his body, her tongue flicking along his skin, and she brought him nearly to the brink of release only to pull back without letting him slide over that edge. True torture.

"Tease," he moaned.

"Turnabout," she replied, straddling him once more, "is completely fair."

He was pinned again, Dean wincing as Castiel gripped his wrists too tightly, causing an actual burst of pain. "Ease up, Cas," he gasped. "A little too hard." The way she held him would break his wrists if he moved. She was strong, very strong, and it was apparent that when he'd had her pinned a few days before, it had been only because she'd let him. She could have broken free easily enough.

She let up the pressure. "I'm sorry, Dean." Cas kissed up one arm to his wrist, lips and tongue soothing the ache there before she transferred her attention to his other wrist.

"Just keep in mind I'm human, okay?"

Keeping his wrists covered by one hand, she brought her other hand to his face, fingers tracing his mouth. "Did I hurt you just now?" The touch was gentle, lightly tickling, her gaze concerned.

"Maybe a little."

"How can I alleviate that hurt?" One brow twitched.

He let his gaze travel down her. "You know how."

With a pleased smirk he would have missed if he'd blinked, she slid lower, the wet heat of her enveloping him.

Dean closed his eyes, gasping, breathing out a ragged, "I've got to touch you, Cas. Let me touch you."

"Not yet. I can't let you."

"Please." But even as he pleaded, Dean understood her resistance to that. She needed to have control over something when she felt she had no control over anything. Him touching her was something she could control. She could keep him from touching her until she was ready for it.

They moved together, what little control he had slipping free and just as he was reaching the point of no return, she let go of him.

"Now, Dean, touch me now!"

He put his hands on her, sliding them across her perspiration slick skin, feeling her shudder beneath his touch, hearing her unrestrained cries of pleasure, and finding his own release. With a final trembling gasp, Castiel let her body lower onto him fully, her cheek pressed to his, breaths hot against his ear. Dean wrapped his arms about her and held her tight to him.

He didn't care what this process brought, as long as it kept her with him.

* * *

Bobby was debating telling Sam to take a hike when it was obvious it was far too late to get rid of him. There was a knock on the door.

"You want me to get that," Sam asked, heading to it and opening it. "Sheriff Mills?"

"Oh, Sam. Hi. Bobby didn't say you'd be here. Didn't see your car."

"It's elsewhere at the moment."

Bobby came to the door. "I didn't tell you 'cause I didn't know." He took her jacket and hung it up. "Come on in."

"We just pulled in about an hour or so ago." Sam closed the door behind her.

Jodie paused, giving Sam a long measuring look. "Anything I should ignore?"

From the second floor bedroom where Dean had Castiel locked up came a loud thump.

Bobby shook his head. "Nothing that needs any worry. It's just Dean and -"

"His girlfriend," Sam interjected.

"I see."

Thankfully, Bobby saw a glimmer of amusement begin to grown in her eyes, a gleam that deepened when there was a feminine groan from above.

Sam cleared his throat. "How about I turn on some music?"

Bobby rolled his eyes. "Make it loud," he replied and led the way into the kitchen. After the trouble he'd gone through to have a nice, friendly meal with Jodie, didn't it just figure that something would come up? He winced slightly at the phrase because it sounded like, in Dean's case, something _had_ come up.

He got out plates and began to dish up the lasagna it had taken him two days to put together. Those cook-as-it-bakes noodles saved time he definitely didn't have. "Is Dean eating?"

Sam's expression indicated a lewd remark he could easily make, yet wisely didn't. Bobby was in no mood for smartass remarks and might just slap him upside the head if he made one. "I don't think he's too concerned about dinner right now." Taking the first plate, he took it back to the table.

"No, it certainly doesn't sound as though food is a high priority," Jodie said, sitting in one chair. She leaned over and sniffed at the steam rising from the plate Sam had set before her. "This smells great, Bobby."

"Thanks. How about Cas? Is she hungry?"

Sam snickered this time, yet again was wise enough to not say what he was obviously thinking. "Um…she's not big on food. You know that."

"Well, with all the other _changes_ going on with her, maybe that changed too." He shoved a plate at Sam and picked up the last one, moving to the table and sitting across from Jodie.

"Nope. Cas is still Cas."

He eyed the ceiling in the direction of the bedroom. "Not quite."

Jodie cleared her throat as she placed her napkin in her lap. "You want to tell me what's going on here?"

Before he could answer, Dean came into the room and went to the fridge, opening the door to it wide. He was shirtless and barefoot. "Hey Bobby…." Apparently not finding what he wanted, he turned. "Do you…. Sheriff." He smiled. "I take it this isn't an official visit."

"No, not this time."

"You look nice out of uniform and with your hair all down."

"Thank you."

"So, Bobby." Dean approached the table. "You got any chocolate syrup?"

"Do I look like a girl needing chocolate in the house?" Yes, he did have chocolate syrup, but it was the expensive fancy kind and he wasn't about to share it for the purpose he assumed Dean was wanting it. Nope. It went on the peppermint ice cream he liked to get in the winter and nothing else.

"Right. How about whipped cream? The non-dairy stuff?"

He had a tub of it stashed in the freezer in the back behind everything else and it was also something he wasn't amenable to sharing. "Dean."

He sighed. "Too bad. Could have been fun. Nice to see you again, Sheriff." With a disappointed expression, he left the room.

Bobby put his head in his hands and heaved a long, put-upon sigh. "How long is this going to go on, Sam?"

"I don't know. Could be awhile."

"Great." At least the phone wasn't -

The thought was cut off by the phone, ringing as if on cue.

Jodie chuckled. "Well, it's never boring over here, that's for sure." She got up. "I'll go powder my nose while you get that."

The rest of the main meal was uneventful, mainly pleasant conversation and Sam avoiding Jodie's questions on Dean's girlfriend. They were nearly finished with the cake Bobby had picked up as an afterthought at the grocery bakery, when Dean and Castiel got very loud. The headboard thumped against the wall, Bobby making a mental note to either drag the bed out to the middle of the floor or remove the headboard later. Much later.

As quiet finally descended, Jodie leaned over to Sam. "While I'm glad your brother has a girlfriend, that was a little more than I wanted to know about the state of their relationship." She slid her plate away. "How about I make dinner next time, Bobby?"

"Sounds good to me. I could eat someone else's cooking for once."

"Your guests staying long?"

"Indefinitely."

She smiled. "Come to the house tomorrow about seven. Just you. It won't be fancy, but it'll be filling, and there'll be quiet."

When she was gone, Sam asked, "You and Sheriff Mills?"

"We're friends."

"Uh-huh. How long did it take for you to ask her over for dinner?"

"None of your damn business."

Sam smiled. "I like her."

"Don't matter if you do or don't. _You_ can do the dishes." He jerked a thumb at himself. "I'm going to bed."

"Hope you have earplugs," Sam said, filling the sink and adding dish soap.

Damned if Sam wasn't right.


	5. Chapter 5

Title: The Best Laid Plans  
Chapter: 5  
Summary: Castiel learns that even his most carefully executed plans aren't always adequate to stop the pain of life. Sequel to 'The Dilemma of Human Investment'.  
Rating: M  
Disclaimer: 'Supernatural' was created by Eric Kripke. No disrespect is intended.

* * *

"You know, I don't know that I've ever been tired of actual _sex_ before." Dean laid a pillow on the couch and sat down.

"My heart bleeds for you." Bobby closed the section of paper he was reading and reached for the next one. "Spare me the details."

Sam grabbed the section Bobby had set down and gave the first page a cursory glance. "Is that a bad problem to have, Dean?"

"It's one I'm willing to do an intense study on." He yawned so wide it made Sam's jaw ache to see it.

"Yeah, well, could you move the bed out from the wall so I can get some sleep myself?" Bobby reached for his mug of coffee and took a long drink. "You two made enough noise to scare away all manner of wildlife from here to Sioux Falls and it's rare enough I get sleep to begin with that I'd like a full night."

"Sorry, Bobby. Sometimes you just gotta let it all out." He reached for the blanket on the arm of the couch. "And sometimes, _you_ are going to need earplugs."

Sam gave up trying to read the paper and laid it down. "You could always see if the lovely Sheriff Mills would let you stay with her."

Bobby sighed. "Don't you start again. Jodie and I are friends."

Dean stretched out on the couch, blanket over him and one arm behind his head. "Tell me about that. What's up with you two? Doing the dinner date thing regularly or was it just a one-time thing?"

There was no reply.

"Bobby?" Dean raised his head up a fraction. "Got some hot and heavy police action going on there?"

"How do I get it through your thick skulls that Jodie and I are friends? _Just_ friends. Friends eat meals together occasionally."

"Lunch," Sam asked, and at Bobby's affirmative, he asked, "dinner, too?"

"Yes."

He bit back a smirk.

Dean didn't bother trying to hide his smirk as he quirked a brow. "Breakfast?"

Bobby's mouth opened. His reply came only after a long stare at both of them. "There's a truck stop about twenty minutes away makes the best eggs Benedict in the state."

"Uh-huh." Dean chuckled.

"We're friends." With an irritated snort, Bobby got up.

"I think Bobby's got a girlfriend, Sam."

"Sure looks that way."

"Now you listen here -"

"And he can't take the teasin'." Dean shifted position slightly. "Testy."

Sam turned his head in time to see Bobby's annoyed scowl.

"Like I told Sam last night, it ain't your damn business. Go to sleep, Dean."

Dean muttered, "Definitely a girlfriend," and closed his eyes. He was asleep in minutes.

Somehow, Sam wasn't surprised that Dean needed to leave the bedroom to get some rest. Having seen Castiel's reactions the past few days, he'd quickly realized the method she'd chosen for distracting herself: Dean. Maybe that was fitting, since she'd chosen to switch vessels primarily to regain the love she'd had with Dean. She'd deny that was the biggest of the reasons, cite all of the others, but Sam understood the truth.

He waited until Dean was asleep and Bobby was outside working before going upstairs and knocking on the door. "Cas? Can I come in?" He had a question he'd been wanting to ask Castiel for a long time now and thought this was the time to do it, when she couldn't leave to avoid answering him. She'd _have_ to answer.

"If you wish."

Sam opened the door and peered warily into the room, half afraid she'd still be naked. She wasn't and he breathed a small sigh of relief. He'd once admitted to Dean that he found Risa attractive and Castiel in her attractive as well.

Stepping inside and looking around, he studied his handiwork on the walls, ceiling and floor. A part of him was surprised it had worked even though Castiel had told him it would. He fidgeted, trying to work himself up to asking what he wanted to know, a small bit of misgiving inside him right before he blurted out that question.

* * *

Castiel knew she should let Dean sleep, but it was hard to do that when this process had her wanting to flee Risa's body. Dean kept her anchored and feeling halfway sane in it so it was with reluctance that she told him to go downstairs and sleep. He made another promise not to let her out of the room no matter what before leaving. She'd made him promise that over and over again, trying to cover anything that could happen. It'd be best if Dean knew ahead of time what she wished him to do in certain instances.

She got dressed, uncertain why she bothered since she wasn't going anywhere. However, it would be hours before Dean woke and rejoined her. There was a chance that either Sam or Bobby would decide to look in on her before then and she assumed they'd prefer her to be wearing clothing.

For the time being, she felt in control of herself, yet knew that could change at any second. The sensations had begun coming in waves, long moments where she felt helpless beneath it all and shorter ones where there was relief. Cas hoped it was the beginning of it all evening out like her contact had promised. She hadn't told Dean that she had some distrust of her contact. After all, that feeling could be connected to this process and it was a tiny sliver really, nothing that set off alarm bells in her head.

Less than half an hour after Dean left, Sam knocked on the door and opened it, coming in.

"It's like a panic room almost, isn't it? Only it keeps you in instead of keeping you out." Sam closed the door, but not all of the way. There was a tiny sliver of light - freedom from confinement - where the door wasn't closed. A crack.

"Yes," she agreed. "I can't see out, but neither can my siblings see in." She sat up on the bed, swung her legs over the edge of the mattress, and tried to avoid looking at the door.

"You know, Cas, we don't really…talk. I mean, you and Dean do, but you and I? Not so much." He walked over to the window, then back to the door.

Sam seemed nervous, hesitant, and even a little frightened. She wondered what was wrong, what he wanted to talk about. "We've talked."

"A few times. We've had some good conversations," he agreed. "But…generally, we don't talk. So can I…." He sat down in the straight back chair in the corner. "Can I ask you something?"

"Of course."

"Do you consider me a friend?"

"Yes."

"And friends tell each other the truth?" Sam leaned over in a casual pose, his hands clasped tightly together. Only the pose itself was casual. Sam was not. Castiel could see the tension riding along his shoulders.

"Yes. What is it you're wishing to know?"

He sighed. "I know it's all in the past and can't be changed and maybe it's better if I don't know, but I've been thinking…." He stared at her. "I've been thinking long and hard about a few things and it's still bugging me not to know, so…."

She waited.

Sam took a breath and when he spoke, his words were jumbled together and very rushed. "Was it you who opened the panic room door and let me out the first time I was in there on demon blood?"

Castiel squeezed her eyes shut for the span of about three seconds, then looked back at him. She'd known that perhaps some day she'd have to own up to that action. Now was the time. "Yes. It's an action I regret taking." And one she should have admitted to long ago.

There was a flicker of hurt in his eyes as he stood. "Then why did you?"

"Because then I was still following orders whether or not I agreed with them. Heaven had a vested interest in your going after Lilith. I'd questioned the rightness of it, yet at the time, I'd not found the courage to disobey an order I knew was wrong. I was very torn, Sam. Duty and orders. Or right...and disobedience. The one was safe and the other frightening to contemplate. I'd not yet come to understand that sometimes doing the right thing in disobedience can actually _be_ obedience. God obviously approved of my disobedience to my brethren. He brought me back twice."

Her gaze slid to that crack of light. Cas could feel freedom calling for her to ditch out of Risa and escape the emotions and sensations. She stood and took a few steps towards it. It would be so easy to swing open the door, step into the hall and leave. The relief of that called to her, an almost physical pull drawing her forward.

"If I could go back and make my stand there, I would. The fact remains, however, that they would have sent another angel had I refused and I would have been unable to free Dean when Zachariah took him. I would have been unable to disobey and help both of you later. I'm sorry, Sam. The action grieves me and always will."

"You're sorry, Cas? You're _sorry_."

"I am." She wrenched her attention from the door. "Sam, would you close the door the rest of the way please?"

"Why?"

"I'm a few seconds from throwing it open and leaving Risa's body." For a long second, she didn't think he was going to, could even see him mulling over just letting that happen, perhaps in retaliation for what she herself had done. "Sam, please," she whispered.

He glanced at the door, then back at her, expression shifting to understanding. "Oh, sure." Stretching out an arm, Sam closed it the rest of the way, much to her relief. "Sorry, I didn't realize. The door has to be completely shut, then?"

"Yes." Castiel returned to the bed and sat on the edge, facing away from the door. Maybe if she didn't even look at the door it would be better. "I realize you're angry now, Sam. I understand that anger and perhaps I shouldn't have answered." She ran a hand along the covers in a repetitive motion, over and over. "Perhaps I should have refused, told you it didn't matter because we're beyond that point and our interactions have brought us into a friendship that I enjoy having. It pleases me to call you a friend, Sam. I don't wish this answer to cause that to end."

He came into her line of vision, vision that suddenly seemed too sharp in focus. "Maybe I shouldn't have asked. Did you know what was going to happen then? Did you have any idea at all?"

She stared up at him. "Believe me, Sam, I didn't know." Castiel grasped the edge of the mattress, feeling a skittering sensation upon her skin that began to slowly build. "Sam -" The room felt warmer as well, the air thicker.

"Does Dean know it was you?"

"No." She gulped in a breath. "Sam, it's starting again."

"It…what? The feelings?"

"You need to leave the room _now_!"

To his credit, he did leave right then, leaving her alone with the wave of feeling and sensation that swept over her, tumbling her beneath it. Hot. She was too hot. Burning up. Cas touched her hand to her forehead, surprised when her fingers came away wet.

"I'm sweating," she whispered. Usually, she didn't sweat just by sitting still. She'd found she _could_ sweat in Risa's body under certain circumstances, yet by not moving? It was strange.

But she _was_ sweating. Perspiration made her clothes damp.

Standing, she stripped them away and found no relief from the heat that seemed both internal and external. She stumbled to the window, pressed her forehead to the glass, taking shallow breaths. Where was a cool breeze when she needed one? Thirst began to grow as well and all Castiel wanted was to dive into a pool of icy water and stay there until it all went away.

Hours passed with no end to this wave. It wouldn't stop or lessen. All it did was build.

"Too much. It's too much. Need to go…. Find Jimmy…."

She dropped to her knees on the floor, not even realizing she was delirious and sliding in and out of consciousness. All she knew was that there was no end from the pain.

* * *

Castiel's admission, though not surprising or shocking since Sam had already guessed it had been her, still hurt. He knew they were well beyond it now and their personal relationship had changed into a friendship, but that sense of betrayal remained.

For a second after that admission, when she'd asked him to close the door, he'd wanted to throw it open and see if _she_ had the strength to succeed where he had failed; to force herself to stay when he hadn't been able to. Reason had quickly countered that urge. If he'd done that, when he knew very well Castiel had made Dean promise not to let her out no matter what she said until the process was over, he would have ended up hurting his relationship with both Castiel and Dean. The thought that he'd even entertained doing that made him feel ashamed.

He went downstairs, glancing in at Dean before setting himself to the task of searching for a case of some sort close by and making plans to pick up the Impala. With Cas out of commission, he needed a ride there. The two tasks ended up taking up most of the day. The plans to pick up the Impala went together quickly. Bobby was willing to drive him there since it was only a few hours away. Sam planned to spend the remainder of days they'd originally planned at the motel, then come back.

As for finding a case…. There wasn't anything within a close distance right now. At least nothing he could find. Fate's way of keeping him close in case Dean needed him maybe?

He was sifting through the last potential leads when Dean finally woke.

* * *

Dean woke feeling mildly refreshed and very hungry. He realized he hadn't eaten anything since the day before and got up from the couch, folding the blanket and dropping it back on the arm of the couch. "Morning, Sammy," he called out.

"Try evening, Dean. You slept over nine hours."

"Did I?"

"Like a rock. I tried to wake you earlier and you didn't budge." He was at the table in the kitchen, laptop open and a glass at his elbow.

"Mmm." He stretched and moved towards the fridge. "Any of that lasagna left?"

"There's some on a plate in the fridge."

As he heated it, he studied Sam. He was paying close attention to whatever was on that computer screen, like he didn't want to look at Dean for some reason. That was kind of suspicious. "You look in on Cas at all?"

"A couple hours after you fell asleep. She had an episode, so I left." Sam sat back in his chair. "First thing tomorrow, Bobby's going to drive me over to the motel to get the Impala and our clothes. Good thing we told them two weeks, huh?"

"Good thing," he agreed. "Why didn't you look in on her after that?"

"I got busy." With a gesture at the computer screen, he continued, "Just because you're helping Castiel through this doesn't mean I can't take a case or two nearby. Besides, Cas can easily spend days by herself and be perfectly content."

Dean dished up the food and brought it to the table. "Uh-huh. What'd you get into it with her about?"

Sam made a noise of protest. "Nothing. Honest, Dean. I wasn't fighting with Cas."

"Yeah?"

"No fight. She just confirmed something I'd suspected for awhile now, then I sat down to look up a few things and got busy. That's all there is to it. End of story."

"Will Cas tell me the same thing?"

"I don't care if you ask Castiel what we talked about. Go ahead."

"How about you tell me and I don't need to?"

"It's not important."

"So you don't mind telling me?"

"Dean, I'm not telling you. If Cas wants to, that's fine," he shook his head, "but I'm not going to."

"Okay." He cut the lasagna and forked up a bite.

"Okay?"

"I'll ask Cas."

"I already said that's fine."

"Okay." He ate a few bites, then nodded at the computer. "Find anything?"

"Not really."

"Too bad."

Bobby was still out working, or avoiding coming inside, one of the two. For all of his talk earlier in the day, Dean didn't really blame Bobby for being upset with him. After all, he, Cas, and Sam had pretty much ruined what might have a been a romantic evening for Bobby and Jodie Mills. He suspected both of them could use some romance in their lives.

Dean put his dishes in the sink, grabbed a few bottles of beer and headed up the stairs. He thought Cas might like to sit back and have a drink if she wasn't too amorous.

"Cas?" Dean stepped into the room and shut the door. She was sprawled naked on the floor on the other side of the bed, very still, her eyes closed. What the hell? Quickly, he put the bottles down. "Cas!" He went to her, kneeling beside her and holding her. Her head lolled almost drunkenly against his shoulder, her body limp. "Come on, wake up." He patted her cheek.

She was burning up, her skin fiery to the touch, perspiration dotting her brow. Dean's alarm grew when she opened her eyes and blinked, but her eyes didn't focus. "Dean?"

"Something's wrong. You've got a fever."

"Hurts…." She grasped his arm. "Make it stop!"

"How? How do I do that?"

"Open the door. Let me leave."

"Cas, I can't do that. You made me promise not to."

Her eyes focused for a moment. "I did, didn't I?"

The fever and sweating passed after eight days, leaving Castiel less physically sensitive. Emotionally, however, she was still all over the place and Dean was right there with her.

* * *

While Sam hated to leave Dean alone with Castiel in that condition, he also knew they had to get the car and their things before the motel manager tried to claim them or threw them out and had the car towed. He and Bobby left earlier than planned, Bobby dropping him off and heading back immediately.

He tossed his and Dean's things into their respective bags and put them in the trunk before pausing at that bag Castiel had brought with her. In Jimmy, Cas had never had luggage, yet in Risa, she brought an overnight bag. His fingers wavered on the zipper pull, and Sam had a moment to think he shouldn't be looking inside before he was opening the bag and doing just that.

His brows raised as he pulled items out and set them aside. Dean really did have all the luck, he decided, whistling at one particularly racy piece of lingerie. Castiel seemed to have embraced the idea of lingerie, maybe even understanding fully the _purpose_ of lingerie. Sam slipped the items back into the main section of the bag and opened the outer pockets.

He found a brush, some perfume and Castiel's cell phone.

Even more curious about who an angel would have as contacts, he opened it up and took a look. There were only four listed. Him, Dean, Bobby, and…. Interesting. Balthazar. The same one they knew and had come to despise maybe? Why on earth would Balthazar have a phone and why would Castiel need it to contact him?

Sam put the phone back in the pocket, packed the bag in the trunk next to Dean's bag and headed back towards Bobby's.


	6. Chapter 6

Title: The Best Laid Plans  
Chapter: 6  
Summary: Castiel learns that even his most carefully executed plans aren't always adequate to stop the pain of life. Sequel to 'The Dilemma of Human Investment'.  
Rating: M  
Disclaimer: 'Supernatural' was created by Eric Kripke. No disrespect is intended.

* * *

Castiel's condition hadn't changed by the time Sam got back. She was still feverish and sweating, her skin and hair so wet it looked like she'd just gotten out of a bath. It was a very human condition. He had trouble seeing her like that and wondered if Dean did too. Was he reminded, as Sam was, how much Castiel had always given for them both, but more specifically, for Dean himself? That's really what it came down to; what she'd do for Dean.

It wasn't a creepy, possessive, destined-to-be-together sort of devotion either, not like what Dean had experienced with Lisa. Sam had heard all about that by now and found no comparison. This was Castiel being Castiel. After all, this was the same angel who'd fallen from heaven to help Dean. For her to do this switch and be determined to push through it was a normal display of her feelings and devotion. She wasn't manipulating Dean. She was trying to make a change that would allow them to have that relationship they'd begun on a permanent level, an action that was taking a real, physical and mental toll upon her.

This was changing her.

As those days passed, Sam saw that Dean was _very_ aware of the depths of Castiel's feelings and fully understood what it meant. That awareness was reflected upon his face even when he wasn't in that room with her. He was feeling helpless to help her and torn between following her wishes and opening that door and letting her go, much like what Castiel had done months earlier. He was on edge.

And that was where Sam and Bobby stepped in, pretending they weren't worried, trying to bolster Dean's moods and encourage him.

Dean spent hours bathing her with a cloth dipped in cold water in an attempt to bring down the fever. When Dean grew tired or needed a break, Sam took over. Even Bobby took a few turns, exchanging looks with Sam that conveyed how very _wrong_ they both knew the fever and sweating to be. It wasn't normal. Couldn't be. No matter what Castiel claimed in her lucid moments.

Neither shared those fears with Dean. He was worried enough without them adding to it. They both knew their role was keeping Dean from taking an impulsive action that would negate everything simply because he couldn't continue to watch Cas in pain. It got to where they were watching Dean as much as they watched Castiel.

Sam spent a lot of time pondering the process and what they might not know. It was entirely possible Castiel's contact had been less than truthful or even unaware of things herself.

What if this 'process' wasn't simply an adjustment period? What if it was hurting Castiel like this because there weren't _supposed_ to be female vessels anymore?

Castiel had once theorized that females capable of being vessels had been bred from the lines. Why would they unless there was a far deeper reason for it than a little extra sensitivity? A glitch in them perhaps that wasn't beneficial to either the angel or the vessel?

What if it was locking Cas inside Risa's body, making her a prisoner there, unable to leave? She'd already said it was all or nothing and that she couldn't leave or she'd either have to go through it again or find a new vessel. Was she so sure she'd be able to leave Risa's body when it was done? What if she had to for some reason and couldn't? And if she could and had no other vessel available…. What sane angel would go through this again?

What if it _was_ as plain as not being able to leave when it was done? It seemed horribly likely to Sam the more he contemplated who had originally handed out the vessel assignments. If the process was this bad for all angels, Castiel's initial theory about angels being given a female vessel as punishment from Zachariah made terrible sense. Knowing Zachariah, it was even logical to assume that, just like Castiel had assumed it.

And then there was the matter of Risa. Sam wondered about her. Unless Castiel was shielding her, how could she survive the prolonged spiked fever? With Castiel being in as much pain as she was, could she even _try_ to shield Risa? Was it burning away the mind and essence of the woman, leaving her unable to communicate and Cas unable to communicate with her? Sam knew angels could communicate inside with their vessels if they wished. It was one full truth he'd discovered with Lucifer, a thing Lucifer couldn't cover up and hide from him. Angels had the option of talking to their vessels, even the lower grade angels like Castiel had started out as.

As the days passed, he worried about both Castiel and Risa, his mind moving back and forth from question and theory to question and theory, never able to fully settle on probable answers. Really, all they could do was wait and see what happened at the end, because Dean had promised to let Castiel go through it; to not release her until it was done. Sam would stand by that promise. He'd promised her himself that he'd support her if she chose this and she had.

Castiel had made her wishes clear. To go against those wishes, especially at this point, would cause a loss of trust and they didn't need that between any of them. It would be best if they stood strong, united together. All of them. Him, Castiel, Dean, and Bobby.

Sam didn't loose any of his fears from his tongue, keeping them to himself. Nor did he hint to Castiel what he suspected. He hoped, wished, and prayed every day that he was wrong and that Castiel's contact hadn't been rationalizing to herself.

* * *

The thought that Castiel could be dying occupied Dean's waking thoughts and his sleeping ones. He now had nightmares of waking to find her body cold and Cas gone forever. She wasn't even in a clear enough state to call him out for his fears, which only added to them. It didn't help that neither Sam nor Bobby expressed their own reservations. He could see it in their eyes. They thought the same thing he did, yet pretended to him that they didn't. They tried to keep him calm and upbeat, reminding him that this was supposed to take awhile.

While he appreciated their efforts, and he really did, those efforts weren't working. He couldn't stay calm when Castiel was hurting like she was and couldn't help but wonder if this would end up just another 'screw you' in his life where he lost someone he cared about.

When one of them relieved him from sitting with her, he'd go outside and walk. Nine times out of ten, he'd end up taking his frustrations out on one of the broken down cars a ways from the house - kicking it, hitting it with a tire iron or anything else he found handy. He did that and then returned to the house and pretended they hadn't been able to hear him yelling. His voice became hoarse from all the frustrated yelling he did.

It would tear him apart completely to lose both Castiel and Risa when Risa had agreed to this so he _wouldn't_ lose them both completely. Every time his mind strayed to that idea, he stopped the thought before it could finish and went to down another shot of whiskey to steady himself. He began to drink a lot again.

It won't happen, he told himself. Cas is gonna be fine. This is part of the process.

At least with the physical sensitivity down to almost normal levels he could hold her without her crying out that it hurt. But her emotions were in a constant state of flux and that was almost as bad.

In sheer desperation for some kind of reassurance, Dean did the one thing he'd never thought he'd actually do.

He hated the thought of dealing with Balthazar, but he was the only angel Dean knew personally who gave a damn about Castiel and might even have some sort of information. Palming Cas's phone just in case a good holler at the sky didn't work, he headed out in the yard and away from the house.

"Hey Balthazar! You out there somewhere, you arrogant, condescending dick?"

He waited. Five minutes. Ten. At fifteen, he drew the phone out, found the name, and dialed. Later, he'd question why Balthazar was using a cell phone, but for now, he was glad he was. It picked up on the fourth ring.

"This had better be important, Castiel."

To feel relief at Balthazar's voice was surreal. "Oh it is important, and it's not Cas."

There was the soft whooshing sound of wings and Balthazar's voice came from behind him. "Sneaky, sneaky. Stealing Castiel's phone now?"

Dean ended the call and put the phone away, not bothering with anything close to pleasantries. He wanted answers. "Cas is sick and I need you to look at her."

"Her?" Balthazar closed his phone and slipped it into his pocket, eyes narrowing. He stepped closer. "What has dear Castiel been up to?"

"Maybe you'd better just come take a look."

"Maybe this is one of your pathetic little traps. How many times have you tried to kill me now?"

"Plenty and I'm sure that won't stop anytime soon. But this is…. I need to know it isn't _killing_ her and you've claimed to be her friend. You've even behaved like it a few times."

"There's that feminine pronoun again. I must admit I am intrigued by your continued use of it. Surely Castiel didn't…." His eyes narrowed further and then he blinked. "Did Cas take a _female_ vessel?" The idea appeared to surprise Balthazar, maybe even disturb him a little. "Did he?"

"Yes."

"Why? What happened to that perfectly good male vessel?"

Dean looked away, knowing full well his expression was anything but neutral. He didn't want to be vulnerable before Balthazar and couldn't help it. His worry for Castiel was too great to try to hide it.

Balthazar's laugh was amused and grating. "Oh, this gives me hope for poor, idealistic, duty-obsessed Castiel. Did _she_ loosen up for a ride on the pleasure train? Several rides, perhaps? An _ongoing_ little trip?"

"Don't waste my time. Will you look at her or not?"

"How are you keeping her here?" He crossed his arms.

"Enochian symbols on the walls."

"Ooh, creative!"

"Look, it's been nearly a month and she's still…." Dean shook his head. "Never mind. Don't do me any favors."

"Are you drunk, ape man? A chance to gain a favor from you _and_ see Castiel in a female vessel? Lead on."

He took Balthazar into the house, past Bobby and Sam's sleeping forms, and up the stairs. "She's in there." He pointed at the door, half afraid to go in and see any new changes that had occurred.

Balthazar watched him a moment. "Have I your promise that you'll let me back out?"

"Keep the damn door open if you're worried. I don't really care." He retreated to the stairs, sitting and waiting. "Just don't let her past you."

The door opened and remained open until the angel came back out after only a few minutes.

* * *

Dean, Sam, and Bobby's fears were plain to Castiel and she hesitated to admit that she shared them. This was unlike anything she'd ever experienced before and it was frightening to go through. She never knew from one minute to the next what was going to happen. Would the sweating and fever return? Would she be angry for no reason or crying? Round and round her emotions went, whirling fast and furious as a cyclone, those times of rest between episodes gone.

Castiel couldn't take much more of this.

It just didn't stop.

All she wanted was an end to it one way or another.

She heard the door open and knew another angel had joined her.

"Well, well, Castiel. Don't you look surprisingly attractive in a woman's body."

She opened her eyes and stifled a groan, rolling onto her side to face him. "Balthazar. What are you doing here?"

He smirked. "Your lover called me using your phone. I say, Cas, you _are_ full of surprises. Switching vessels for Dean Winchester?" Sitting, he touched her forehead briefly with a hand, the smirk fading. "You're also a braver bastard than I am. You should be upstairs for this process."

"Dean would worry."

"As if he isn't already? He's so sure you're dying that he called _me_ to reassure him. That should indicate to you how much he cares about you since he utterly despises me. Not to mention it should tell you how I consider you in that I actually followed him here and stepped into this room."

"Go away." She rolled over and found him, annoyingly, on that side of the bed.

"I came because he said you were sick and as you know we don't get sick, so my curiosity was well piqued. You, taking a female vessel to get laid. I'm impressed by such dedication to a task. Perhaps you'll start another trend among our siblings. I can see them now, fighting over those few female vessels. You're such a trend-setter. Who ever would have known even five years ago that you'd influence us all like you have?"

"You came to chatter incessantly at me. Leave _now_."

He laughed, a sound that grated on her nerves. "Snappy. Must be nearing the end of the process if you're this easily upset. How many days has it been?"

"Dean didn't tell you?"

"I wasn't listening."

Cas rolled onto her back to stare at the ceiling. "Nearly a month."

"The fever and sweating has passed?"

She rolled her eyes. "Obviously." She'd been glad to have the fever and sweats stop and relieved to still be able to reach Risa. Risa has been groggy and slow to respond, but no more so than Jimmy had ever been. Their internal bond was intact and strong. Cas glanced at Balthazar.

His lips curved in another smirk. Castiel had never realized how often he did that before now. It was a constant expression. A smirk here, a smirk there. Would he still smirk if she punched him in the mouth? "Buck up, princess, you're almost through it."

"How would you know that?"

"Oh, I've seen this before."

"When," she demanded.

"I've a friend who went through the process before I skipped out. She nearly _didn't_ make it through though, said that she'd never leave her vessel if it meant doing it again." He touched her forehead again with his hand. "I always knew you had hidden strength, Castiel. Hang on. Shouldn't be much longer. I'd say a few days at most." He got up and sauntered from view, closing the door behind him.

There had been a gleam in his eyes that she fixed to memory in order to mull it over when she was done with the process. That gleam warned her that she wasn't going to like whatever he did next. He was going to make a mess that she'd have to sort out. Again.

* * *

To see Balthazar in good spirits when he emerged from the bedroom didn't quite alleviate Dean's fears. Slowly, he stood. He'd seen this level of cheer from this angel before and not one time had it ever actually been good. He wasn't about to believe it now without some verbal verification that Castiel would be fine.

Balthazar stopped beside him, touching his arm and taking them outside, to that spot away from the house.

"So? What's the verdict?"

"She'll be fine. A few more days and you'll have your lover back." He stared at Dean, curiosity winking in his eyes. "By doing this for you and herself, do you realize what she's done? The full ramifications of it?"

"What are you talking about?" Ramifications? What the hell did he mean by that?

"No, I see you don't. Doubt she does yet, either. She will when she returns to heaven however…. By taking a female vessel at this stage of the war and making it through the process successfully _without_ heaven's aid at all, Castiel has stepped up the game. She's shown she's more powerful and determined than they thought and therefore not to be underestimated at all. No one has ever finished that process without heaven's aid. It wasn't supposed to be possible to withstand it without us to help ease the transition. Once more, Castiel shows us that there are more things possible that we ever thought could be."

"I don't -"

"Get it, yes. Cas must prefer beauty over brains."

"Bite me."

Balthazar snickered at the insult. "She's joined an elite club of very determined, strong-willed angels. There are few females but those there are…. Are you familiar with the phrase, 'the female of the species is more deadly than the male'?"

"Sure." He couldn't say where it had come from, but he'd heard it.

"True for vesseled angels. Those determined, strong-willed angels…. I believe there's a myth of a race of warrior women here on earth known for their ferocious deeds in battle? Equate the two together. Raphael will see this as a greater challenge against what he considers to be his authority over heaven. It's a bold, direct move, and a show of pure strength." He smiled almost wistfully. "Castiel just advanced her cause and our war by centuries. Angels will flock to join her side now. So many of us want to be on the winning side."

"She advanced it with a simple vessel change?"

"Is anything simple with us, Dean?"

"Not the best word choice I suppose. Didn't Cas _know_ any of this about the vessels?"

Balthazar sighed. "Castiel has the enviable ability to be so focused upon a task that much else is periphery. I however, am not blessed with that particular gift. I'm more the 'ooh, shiny' type. But for this…. I might even rejoin the fight." He rook a few steps to Dean's left. "I've made a study of female vessels. When I began to make plans to leave, I thought of choosing one of those available and sought out the information. It's not readily available. Zachariah chose to keep the details of them a well-guarded secret. He did like his power, as you well know. Anything that aided him some way in keeping his power or advancing to more was closely guarded. Castiel couldn't have known any of this before, as she'd not considered female vessels as anything different than male vessels. It took a moment in one to see the difference. Those who go through the process weren't to talk about it. I suppose that will change now."

"Will it? Or will someone else hold that secret?"

Balthazar's expression shifted into one of triumphant glee. "It'll change. I plan to change it. I plan to shout it from the rooftops. Let's see Raphael keep it quiet once I get started."

He was gone before Dean could say anything more.

Dean returned to the house and counted the days. A few Balthazar had said. If the angel lied…. Well, he'd just have to hunt him down and kill him.

* * *

Relief came on gradually, Castiel's hope growing with each calm moment that passed. She opened her eyes and turned her head on the pillow.

Dean was asleep beside her. She rolled onto her side and propped her head in her hand. He looked tired, lines of strain on his face even as he was relaxed in sleep. This had been just as hard on him as it had been on her. She tugged the covers up a little higher on his chest and laid her hand there, feeling that rise and fall with breath. After a moment, she raised that hand and touched his forehead, giving him a gentle push into a deeper state of sleep.

She didn't grow tired of watching him sleep, but since she knew he found it creepy, Castiel got up and slowly dressed. Today was a new day, the first full day of her new life in a female vessel. She could feel it and knew that she was herself again. Still emotional to an extent, evened out just like her contact had said.

She smiled and sat down beside Dean to wait for him to wake.

* * *

Something was different.

Dean woke from a surprisingly restful sleep and sensed the change in the very air. Castiel was dressed, sitting on the side of the bed with her back very straight and legs crossed. Ladylike. Had Risa told her to sit like that in those short skirts? Only Cas could make that pose look even halfway comfortable he reflected, as he sat up and scooted towards her. He touched her back, dropped a kiss on her shoulder. "Morning. You're all gussied up."

"I've been waiting for you to wake up."

"Yeah? Why? What's up?" He rested his chin on her shoulder.

She turned her head slightly. "I should return to my work now. Rejoin the fight."

Lifting his head, he studied her. Her skin wasn't hot anymore, the sweating still gone, and she looked calm. "How do you feel? Any intense urges going on?"

"I believe the worst has passed. I feel much like day three at one-third of the way through the day. There are emotions and physical sensations, but they are now bearable. I can manage tasks at this level. I believe my period of adjustment is over."

"Just like that." Dean nodded, sighed, placed a kiss on her cheek, and shook his head. "A couple more days. Let's see if it dials back down to day two, one, or even zero."

"Female vessels _are_ more emotional. Angels in female vessels do struggle with feelings and sensations. I was given confirmation, therefore, I won't revert back to how I was in Jimmy."

"You may trust your source, but I don't. I'd like a couple more days to make sure that if I have you back like this, it's not to lose you to _them_."

Sliding to the right, she turned to face him. "My contact was not unemotional, Dean. I assure you. She spent our meeting smoothing her clothes. The feeling of the fabrics beneath her fingers calms her. She admitted it's the reason she does it."

"Your contact is obsessive-compulsive?"

"She was dealing with her feelings in a way that makes sense for her."

He held up two fingers. "Two days. Give me two more days and if you're okay, we'll cut you loose."

Castiel sighed, stared up at the ceiling a long moment, then took his hand in hers, squeezing lightly. "Very well. Because you ask me to."

It occurred to him that she did a lot of things for that reason and he cupped her neck with his free hand, thumb sliding along her skin, caressing in gentle swoops. "Don't do it because I ask you to. Do it because you want to make sure you're well enough to leave."

"I _am_ well enough. Dean, I can feel that I'm myself." She released his hand and changed position, moving to kneel in front of him, her hands raising to cup his face. "I've no delusion like a human could have that I'm well when I'm not. I was sick and now I'm well. _I_ have no doubt. I'll stay to relieve your fears because it matters to me that you don't worry about me. You've no need to worry. You know this."

"I wish that were true."

"It is."

"You could die in your civil war. Raphael could have you assassinated."

Her lips curved up a fraction. "I've proven very hard to kill." Leaning close, she pressed a warm, enticing kiss to his lips.

It was a deliberate distraction from the conversation and Dean let it distract. He knew they'd have this conversation again, but for now, she was still there with him, safe in his arms.


	7. Chapter 7

Title: The Best Laid Plans  
Chapter: 7  
Summary: Castiel learns that even his most carefully executed plans aren't always adequate to stop the pain of life. Sequel to 'The Dilemma of Human Investment'.  
Rating: M  
Disclaimer: 'Supernatural' was created by Eric Kripke. No disrespect is intended.

* * *

The two days Dean had requested passed even faster than he'd thought they would.

He laid beside Castiel, a hand on her bare hip beneath the covers. In the morning, she'd be leaving, returning to those angelic duties. Dean felt more calm now, as though her being well soothed him at a soul level. He knew he really didn't have to worry about her. She was fully capable of taking care of herself. There was a subject on his mind though, something he wanted to ask her and wasn't entirely sure how to broach it. He wanted to ask about that high fever and if it had hurt Risa, deciding maybe he should just spit it out. She was likely expecting such a question. He propped his head on his other hand and asked, "How is she, Cas?"

She blinked and frowned, touching his cheek, fingers warm against his skin. "You mean Risa?"

"Yeah, is she -"

"She's fine. She's safe." She looked at him like he shouldn't have to ask, as if his even asking was an affront.

"Are you sure?"

Castiel sat up, the sheet sliding down to pool at her waist. "You doubt my word."

With a noise of protest, he rolled onto his back. "No, of course I don't."

"But you don't trust my answer. You're suspicious that I'm lying to you about her and I'm uncertain why you'd think that, because she's essential to me now. As she said, we're united." Her eyes narrowed. "Dean, you were never concerned about Jimmy's welfare. Why are you concerned now for Risa's?"

"I didn't have a personal relationship with Jimmy."

One brow arched, lips pursing a moment as she studied him. Her reply was tart. "No, you mean you didn't have sexual relations with Jimmy."

He glanced at the door and back to her. "Yeah, I mean that and you don't have to act like it's an unreasonable question. You did have a high fever and last time I checked, humans don't survive that. How was I to know whether you were able to shield her from it or whatever it is you do to keep her safe? I can't be concerned about her now?"

"Of course you can be concerned about her, Dean. I know that you are, but you also know I'm good with my vessels, or as much as is possible. I take care of mine far better than most angels. You can trust my word on her." She rested a hand on his chest. "Risa is as well as a vessel can be. The process didn't hurt her. I can speak with her, though like with Jimmy, it takes a moment for her to wake. She was…_cranky_ at first after the fever passed. It did affect her to some extent. She didn't care for the process and was plain that if she'd known she'd feel any of that she would have refused."

"Well, three cheers for ignorance for all of us." They all three had gotten what they'd wanted. He got Cas, Castiel got him, and Risa didn't have to die.

Her stare became annoyed, but she didn't pursue the topic. "She asked about you; if 'your own time' had happened yet."

Dean took a deep breath and slowly blew it out as he clasped his hands behind his head on the pillow. "You can tell her yes and no. Yes, because I can say she was dying, that she was going to die. I can say it. But that no is there because it ain't gonna happen and there's nothing to face." Saying it before, with Risa and Castiel separate, would have made it a reality. He would've had to face it, think about it long and hard. Now though? It was no longer real. Risa _wasn't_ dying. That cancer inside her was stopped in it's tracks. She was alive with Castiel, which made her a very long way from death. Even if it wasn't a life like what she'd had before, it was more than a cold grave, her body rotting and soul in that place that passed for heaven. She had something here that he thought was preferable to that.

This was as close to dealing with that reality as he was going to come and Dean decided he was okay with that.

"You can't pretend she has an actual life apart from me, Dean."

"What she has with you is better than what she'd have otherwise. Just…. Take good care of her."

"You know I will." She laid down beside him, her head on his shoulder. Her fingertips traced random patterns on his chest and Dean closed his eyes, hoping he could sleep and knowing he wouldn't, not when morning would take her from him.

* * *

During the two days that passed, Castiel waited with patience. She learned those things that Balthazar had told Dean and pondered them. Balthazar would lie when he thought it helped him somehow, but Castiel couldn't see where a lie would have benefited him unless he assumed he'd gain Dean's favor. Why would Balthazar need Dean's favor? He had little use for humans, either unable or unwilling to understand Cas's view on them, so that didn't seem likely. Perhaps he thought he could brag about being her friend, that it'd give him some sort of clout? That was far more likely. If he was thinking about rejoining the efforts, it made sense to her that he'd try to come in on a higher level than what he'd left.

Why had he given Dean that information? It couldn't have been because he cared whether or not Dean had peace of mind. Because he'd known Dean would tell her? It was certainly helpful to know how he planned to annoy her, that dance they'd been engaged in for awhile now. He'd annoy her and she'd track him down and stop whatever it was he was doing that he shouldn't before he'd disappear and be blessedly silent for a few weeks.

She kissed Dean goodbye and left before he could come up with yet another reason for her to stay. She thought she understood his fears, however, reassuring him was growing tedious. The only way to truly reassure him would be to leave and return as herself, thus proving he was worrying over nothing. She left Bobby Singer's house with a feeling of satisfaction in the transition about herself. She felt as strong and sure as she ever had in a vessel, which was a good sign.

Castiel's return to her own camp wasn't what she'd thought it'd be. Her allies looked at her differently, lending credence to Balthazar's words. They treated her as though she had more authority than she'd had and she immediately hated every second of it. Why did she have to be the one trying to pull them all together and coordinate the resistance efforts? She felt wholly unskilled for the task, uncertain in her ability to lead. It seemed they looked to her for all the answers when she, in fact, had none. She'd never had the answers or any real idea what she was doing.

Dean called it 'flying by the seat of one's pants'.

She was glad Balthazar was aiding them at present despite his murky intentions. It took a large portion of the heat from her. Balthazar was zipping all over the globe, contacting angels and sometimes even literally shouting the information he had about Castiel. The reaction had been instantaneous.

Raphael was furious, calling the vessel change ludicrous until Castiel made several public appearances far from where Raphael was purported to be. She didn't want to fight Raphael personally unless it was a last resort and tried to keep a step ahead of him.

The angels recognized her and word spread. Balthazar did his part to keep Raphael and his supporters agitated, doing everything he could to stir them up. The war was quickly escalating and Castiel sensed matters were coming to a head far quicker than any of them had ever thought they would. She had hope that maybe it wouldn't be forever and some day soon she could step back from leading anyone and let someone else take over the burden.

Unlike her brethren, she had a refuge from it all.

Dean. It wasn't that he was a physical refuge, but rather an emotional one. She could relax with him, enjoy his company, and indulge in human behavior and feelings that she now knew she needed. Whoever would have guessed that an angel could need humanity.

It helped to touch down on earth, assess how much time had passed, and take a few moments to think about him. She'd close her eyes, remember him holding her, hear his voice telling her he loved her, and feel centered and whole once more, able to push on in her tasks. Coordinating battles. Planning strategy. Hearing Micah's reports on Jimmy, Amelia, and Claire.

Micah had been a good choice for them. He was fascinated by all things human and soaking up every bit of the experience of living with a human family that he could. Already, he'd bonded with them, made them a part of his idea of family. Castiel was pleased she'd chosen him for it and decided the reports could come further spaced apart. She'd have them come every month and if it still went well, she'd let the time between reports become longer. Maybe one day she'd go by and see them for herself. Maybe one day they wouldn't need a guard to protect them.

Three weeks passed and halfway through a fourth, as she was going over strategy with others, she had the thought that it had been long enough. Castiel needed to see Dean and she needed to immediately. She finished the conference and left, heading to Dean's location.

Would he realize she was keeping track of him when she simply appeared without warning? Or would he bother questioning it? Probably it would be Sam who asked that question, but that was okay. She'd tell them if they really needed an explanation.

As she appeared beside Dean, she found herself excited to see him, so much so that she didn't care who was watching. Castiel kissed Dean hello as though she'd been away for months and felt herself become whole once more in his presence.

* * *

For three weeks, Sam watched Dean sweat out Castiel's absence, much like he had those first days a year earlier. They didn't talk about it, but Sam knew they were both wondering if the Castiel who returned would be Dean's love or an emotionally challenged angel once more. Her appearance would set the tone for the next weeks and Dean kept glancing at his phone and sometimes Sam's, obviously wanting her to call. Frankly, Sam was surprised Dean didn't try to contact her. He'd never shown a reluctance to before.

This time was different though. She was changed and there was a good chance Dean might be afraid that change had gone for the worse in her absence from them.

They ordered dinner and were just settling back to wait for it, when Castiel appeared without warning, an indication to Sam that she'd been keeping watch on where they were. Without a word, she placed a hand flat on the table, a hand on Dean's neck and leaned down. The kiss she gave him was better suited for the bedroom than for a public venue and Sam looked away until he heard her slightly breathless, "I've missed you". It was obvious to him that she'd missed Dean and to anyone else in the restaurant who happened to be watching.

There wasn't anyone watching.

Dean's shoulders relaxed, those lines of strain that had been etched on his face disappearing. "Missed you, too."

She took the chair beside Dean, scooting it close to his, her attention turning to Sam across the table. "Hello Sam. You look well."

"Thanks, Cas. You do to."

"I can't stay long," she said, hand closest to Dean dropping below the table. Sam could easily speculate where she put it by the flicker of pleased surprise on Dean's face and how he shifted in his seat. "I didn't wish either of you to worry." Her other hand straightened the silverware on the napkin at her place, each piece precisely placed, even at the handles.

"I wasn't worried," Dean denied with a quick glance about the restaurant.

Her brows rose. "Of course you were, Dean. I knew you would be and chose to come here to assuage that worry." Her mild amusement slid directly into uncertainty. "Was my decision in error? I thought you'd be pleased. In the past, you've been upset with me for not contacting you at regular intervals. It seemed important to me now to comply with your wish on the subject. Should I not?"

"No, I'm glad you came. I want to see you."

"Then I regret that I can't stay longer."

The intimate look they shared made Sam slightly uncomfortable, but he ignored the feeling. He suspected he'd feel that way plenty of times from here on out. If this relationship brought Dean back into that healing place however, Sam would take whatever came with it and be happy for Dean. "Well," Sam crossed his arms on the table, "I'm glad you're you, Cas."

She returned her gaze to him, blinked about four times and said, "I'm…glad _you're_ you as well." Without looking down at the table, her hand stretched out, fingers tapping the sweetener packets until they were all even on the top, then placing the salt, pepper, ketchup, and mustard containers at even spaces apart from each other in a square.

"No, I meant…." He smiled. "You haven't changed by changing vessels - aside from the obvious and the little things."

"Little things? What little things do you refer to?"

Dean placed his hand on hers, stopping her from arranging the silverware again. "Like this little OCD straightening thing you've got going on."

She lowered her gaze to the table and their hands, a confused frown appearing. "I didn't realize I was doing that." Castiel snatched her hand back, putting it in her lap.

"It's okay. Everyone has their little OCD sort of quirks." Sam tried to reassure her.

"It's a human thing." She seemed disturbed by it more than he'd thought she'd be.

"And a female vesseled angel thing," Dean replied. "Remember? Your contact? I'm betting they all have OCD quirks."

"Will it bother you?"

Dean snorted. "Like I don't have my own OCD moments?"

Their server brought their order and coffee for Castiel. Sam wondered how she'd known to bring coffee.

"How's the war," he asked, surprised that she hadn't left already like her usual m.o.. It was a thing that drove Dean nuts, how she'd appear, then leave, usually while he was right in the middle of a sentence.

She sat up even straighter. "Going better for my side at the moment, except I wish Balthazar wouldn't attempt to help with the zealousness he's displaying."

"He told everyone about the female vessel process," Dean guessed with raised brows.

Castiel nodded. "He did. He's drawn attention to himself and off of me. While I'm grateful for an easing in the pursuit of me, when Raphael returns his attention my way, the fight will become more difficult. He'll blame me for the defections in his ranks of late. I admit my switching vessels does seem partly to blame, however, his tactics with his own followers don't appear to engender trust among them. He rules them through fear and an army held that way cannot last. When your own soldiers fear you and despise you, they become…unstable." She shook her head. "Balthazar's recent support centers largely on what he thinks he's getting from me in return, whether directly or indirectly. He sees me as the having the winning side and if he can 'stick it', I believe the phrase is, to Raphael, he will. He's enjoying the challenge of taunting an archangel and managing to remain out of reach. Raphael has been unable to keep him quiet, which is frustrating him." She pursed her lips and after a moment, added in a dry tone, "I can relate. Balthazar frequently aggravates me."

"Has he joined up, then?"

Her snort was hardly ladylike. "Until it suits him to leave."

"But you'll take that support while it's there." Sam took a bite of his dinner and waited for confirmation of that fact. It wasn't long in coming.

"Yes." Regret was heavy in that word. "I've learned to take the support I get when it's there and prepare for a loss at a later date, staying on the move as much as possible to keep the other camp confused as to my whereabouts. War is unpleasant. I've accepted that."

Dean laid his arm on the back of her chair and leaned in close to her. "You're not going to bury these emotions, are you? Let them slide away as one of those regrettable things you once talked about having to do in war?"

She stared at Dean. "No. Not this time. I'm changed. I can't be the sort of angel they are because it's not me anymore. I feel and I like it. Raphael can paint me as deviant as he wishes, but the fact is…. More angels wish to be like me than I ever would have imagined. Experiencing emotions is a seductive thing and after much contemplation, I don't believe it's a wrong thing." She tilted her head back, staring at the ceiling, head cocking like she was listening intently to something only she could hear. "I regret I have to leave now. Duties call me."

Sam expected her to disappear. Instead, she leaned over and kissed Dean again with as much warmth as her greeting.

"I'll be in touch," she said and this time, was gone.

* * *

Her kiss held a hint of desperation that Dean fully understood. She didn't want to leave any more than he wanted her to go, but they both had their jobs. She had heaven to take care of and he had evil things to hunt. A lot of evil things. When she'd gone, he felt lighter and balanced inside, ready to charge ahead on a hunt.

"So, Sammy, what's up on the job front?" He tucked into his meal with a gusto he realized he hadn't shown for awhile now.

"We can pretty much take our pick in this area. Poltergeist two hours north, an actual Trickster a little to the west, and a ton of other weird things happening."

"A real Trickster? I thought Gabriel was the Trickster."

"He was pretending to be one, but I don't think it was just him. Tricksters are in quite a few cultures all over the globe. I guess it could have been him, but he would have had to be pretty busy hopping around the planet."

Dean nodded. "Let's check that out. Sounds promising."

The days passed, sliding into weeks. Sometimes Castiel was there and mostly she wasn't, but when she was there? She completely made up for those times she wasn't. If she was pursuing the end of that civil war in heaven with the same sort of vigor that she pursued their relationship, Dean was sure heaven wouldn't remain in turmoil for much longer. A determined Castiel was like a force of nature.

Their emotional connection, shaky at first from their time apart, grew again and life became beautiful to Dean once more. He could look at the world and see more than monsters and the normal life he'd never have. He saw the possibilities of what could be and Dean was happy, that real happiness he remembered the last time Castiel had Risa as a vessel. Dean loved and was loved. He stopped thinking about kids and families because he had his family. He had Sam and he had Castiel, the two together bringing every aspect of his life into harmony.

It wasn't perfect, no, but it was his life and it was turning out to be a damn sight better than what he'd ever thought he'd have. Despite the pain it had caused initally, Castiel's failed plan to make him happy had brought true happiness back to him.

Sometimes, there was good from the pains of life.

He was damn glad he'd finally found the good in his.


End file.
